


All My Life

by Sandylee007



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alternate Universe - Real World, Angst, Cancer, Character Death, Detective Alec Lightwood, Drama, Fashion Designer Magnus Bane, Feels, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Love, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Sick Character, Sick Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:28:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27333415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandylee007/pseuds/Sandylee007
Summary: INSPIRED BY A TRAILER FOR THE NEW HARRY-MOVIE ‘ALL MY LIFE’Alec was twenty-three when he found the best thing in his whole life – and almost twenty-seven when he lost him.Alec and Magnus are in love, engaged and busily planning their wedding. Until Magnus is diagnosed with liver cancer. Will they manage to have the wedding of their dreams before time runs out?MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 235
Kudos: 162
Collections: Favorite Malec Stories





	1. A Ticking Clock

**Author's Note:**

> I was supposed to type something else but then I saw a trailer for Harry’s new movie, ‘All My Life’. And my entire... damned... mind was hijacked. So... I’m sorry. (smirks sheepily)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Nope! I DO NOT own the ‘Shadowhunters’ characters OR the movie. ZERO profit (the financial kind, anyway) is made out of this.
> 
> WARNINGS: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, cancer, feels... Uh... Anyone still out there...?
> 
> Soooo... Are you ready? Because here we go...!
> 
> TO AVOID CONFUSION: This story happens on three time-levels. Every chapter opens with past and closes with future.
> 
> / _past_ /  
> present  
> / future /

/ _The thing about the best things in your life... Those very, very best things that leave you forever changed... They often come to you when you least expect them to. One seemingly normal day, one chance encounter, and your life is never the same again._

_Alec had never been the biggest fan of clubbing. Or going to bars in general. But it was his sister’s birthday and when Izzy begged him to go along, he found himself relenting. (It was supposed to be just her, their brother Jace and her best friend Simon. How bad could it possibly get? Even with Simon along.) By ten thirty that night Alec found himself cursing his too soft heart._

_Simon and Izzy got far too drunk and started singing uncomfortably loudly. Jace scanned through the crowd eagerly, without a doubt looking for his adventure of the evening. Alec nursed a beer and wondered how early he could start heading home._

_He was so deep in grumpy thoughts that someone approaching them managed to startle him. A beautiful, young redhead met his glare with an apologetic grin before all her attention was fixed on Jace. “Sorry, but... We saw you and had to come say ‘Hi’. I’m Clary.”_

_He wouldn’t have had be his brother to notice that Jace was smitten instantly. Alec’s own eyes found the young man Clary came with and his heart did a funny jump. Or several._

_Could someone so beautiful be real?_

_“I don’t think they’ll know we even exist for a while.” The stranger nodded towards the bar counter. “What would you say if I bought you another beer?”_

_Alec nodded, dazed in the best way. He licked his lips, his gaze slipping to the other man’s. “Yeah”, he managed with difficulty. “I, ah... I’d like that.”_

_The other smiled radiantly, eyes sparkling with... was that golden eyeshadow? “Marvelous!” The man started to lead them forward but spun around all of a sudden, making them almost collide with how close to him Alec was. “I’m Magnus, by the way.”_

_Alec was very, very aware of the chest nearly pressed against his. Of those enchanting eyes locked with his. “Alec”, was the most intellectual he managed._

_True to his word, Magnus ordered him a beer and a fancy looking drink for himself. They were sipping those when the man spoke, eyeing him in a manner that made him blush. (And perhaps... other parts of him reacted as well.) “Do tell, what is a pretty boy like you doing in a place like this?”_

_Alec couldn’t help it. He laughed. “Sorry, but... That was smooth.”_

_Fortunately Magnus didn’t seem offended. (Already then Alec decided that the man’s laugh was the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard. And that he wanted to hear it again.) “Apologies, Alexander. Not my smoothest moment. But I’ve been watching you frowning and scowling all night. I’ll gladly embarrass myself again if that’s what it takes to make you smile.”_

_Alec’s smile widened and his heart thudded on its way to being stolen._ /

/

Alec was typically a heavy sleeper. The kind who didn’t even wake up to his phone’s alarm in the morning until Magnus grumbled at him to silence it immediately or he’d sleep on the couch for a week. (A threat they both knew to be empty. They’d tried it a few times after stupid fights but one of them always cracked in the middle of the night and curled up next to the other.) That night was a different story.

Magnus was feeling a bit unwell and tired when they went to bed. They blamed it on stress caused by hectic work-schedules and the new, not exactly top-quality restaurant Simon dared them into trying. Neither thought much of it until restless movements disturbed Alec’s rest.

Alec groaned, his nose scrunching up in annoyance. More than half-asleep still, he reached out towards his fiancé’s side of the bed. “... ‘s going on? ... ‘you wiggling?” he mumbled, barely comprehensibly and far more impatiently than he’d intended.

Magnus didn’t answer. Instead the warm body he’d almost reached left the bed and unsteady steps advanced towards the bathroom. They ended to a loud, ominous thud. (Later Alec would call that thud the sound that symbolized his whole life falling apart.)

Alec’s eyes flew open and in a flash he’d jumped to motion. His heart skipped a valuable beat and his stomach clenched when he saw Magnus lay on the floor. (One arm wrapped protectively around his own abdominal area, sweaty and horribly obviously in pain.) “MAGNUS!”

What came next was full of blur. Very vaguely Alec registered his own voice asking questions and trying to get Magnus’ attention. Through it all the slightly older man managed to get out only one word.

“... hurts ...”

Alec must’ve called an ambulance because one arrived. Flashing lights... The awful, sterile reek of a hospital... Pacing around the waiting room like a caged wild animal... His mind removed several bits and pieces in between. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

Someone, Alec couldn’t remember for the life of him who, eventually led him a small, painfully brightly lit room. Magnus appeared terrifyingly small and frail in the bed, with a cannula on the back of his hand and a drip attached to him. The sweat was gone and the man was clearly far more aware of the world around him but Alec could instantly tell that he was still in pain. Despite that Magnus’ eyes lit up and an honest, elated smile appeared at the sight of him.

Alec dove eagerly to his beloved’s waiting arms and held on as tightly as he dared to. (Feeling Magnus hug him back made it easier to breathe.) “Don’t you dare scare me like that again.” He composed himself for a few seconds before reluctantly putting a tiny bit of distance between them to scan his fiancé with his gaze. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. Frustrated.” Magnus ran a tender hand down his cheek. “Stop frowning, it’ll give you wrinkles. I’m sorry I startled you.”

Startled... wasn’t exactly a word enough to describe what Alec experienced. Before he could point out as much a middle-aged woman in a white coat, presumably Magnus’ doctor, walked in. She introduced herself but roughly five seconds later Alec had no idea of her name. She was quick to focus on Magnus. “I see that the pain medication helped. It’s good to see you a little more awake this time.”

Magnus nodded. “I feel better. When can I go home?” (Alec bit back a smile at that. Magnus had always been a terrible patient.)

“We’ll have to do a few more tests first. And I have some questions, now that you’re able to answer them.” She made notes on the Tablet she carried around. “How long have you experienced these pains?”

Magnus squirmed a little and gave him a guilty look. “I’m... not sure. There’s been... four, maybe five instances over the past month or two. Nothing like what happened tonight, though.” The man mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ at Alec’s look of disapproval. (Why had Magnus never told him?) “I think it’s just stress. Work’s been hectic lately.”

The doctor nodded slowly, making more notes. “And the nausea? Was that the first time?”

Magnus worked his jaw, no longer meeting his eyes. “On and off for the past week. Tonight was the first time I threw up.”

“Alright.” The woman’s eyebrows furrowed and suddenly she was approaching Magnus. (Alec tightened his protective hold on his fiancé as a response.) “Can I check your eyes, really quickly?”

“Do you have any idea what it might be?” Alec inquired tensely when she was done. He didn’t like the expression that’d appeared to her face. The hint of tension slipping past professional façade unnerved him.

“Let’s not diagnose anything before we have all the test results.” She offered them a reassuring smile that didn’t help Alec much at the moment. “I’ll see you two soon.”

As she left the room Alec pulled Magnus more tightly against his body. Magnus let him and didn’t tell him to stop fretting over nothing. On some level they both knew that something was _wrong_ , even if they didn’t want to admit it to themselves.

A clock ticked unnaturally loudly on the room’s wall.

The thing about the worst things in your life... Those very, very worst things that leave you forever changed... They often come to you when you least expect them to. One seemingly normal day, and your life is never the same again.

/

/ Fiddling with his phone, Alec groaned when it announced an oncoming call. He silenced it and closed his eyes while waiting for it to stop buzzing. Exhausted to his bones for reasons that had nothing to do with physical causes.

Eyes closed, lay very still, he could see Magnus’ smiling face and feel the man in his arms.

When Alec finally forced his eyes open there was a message waiting for him. He inspected it without actually opening it. Jace, again. ‘ _Remember that you’re not alone..._ ’ He didn’t need to or want to see further than that.

Alec hadn’t known that he had company under the blanket until a soft, miserable meow met his ears. Chairman Meow looked back at him with those eyes that’d always seemed sad. He sniffled but was too numb to actually start crying. “I know.” His voice was hoarse and barely audible. When was the last time he spoke to anyone or anything? “I miss him, too.” Chairman meowed his sorrow-filled agreement.

Alec continued to search through his phone. It took frustratingly long before he found what he’d been looking for. A small video clip, no more than two minutes long but immeasurably precious. More so now than ever.

On the recording Magnus was making breakfast, dressed in nothing but loose pants and face free of makeup. Sensing him there, the man peered over his shoulder and rolled his eyes while covering his face with one hand. “ _Put that phone away, I’m not ready to be filmed at this hour!_ ”

Listening to Magnus’ voice, watching the man who sparkled with life until his final second, Alec curled up to a tighter ball. (On the side of the bed that’d always belong to the love of his life.) Chairman meowed, sniffed at his phone before pawing at it and meowed again.

“ _You’re kidding, right?_ ” Alec argued on the clip. He walked closer instead of stopping filming. “ _You’re beautiful._ ”

Pulling the cat to his chest, Alec felt longing stab through his heart like a knife. “I love you”, he mouthed. Just as he said it more loudly on the clip.

On the recording Magnus smiled, irritation melting away. “ _I love you, too._ ” /


	2. ‘You’re Not Going Anywhere’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the past Alec and Magnus have their first date. In present they learn that their lives will never be the same again. In the worst way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE! I was SUPPOSED TO start updating more next year but I just couldn’t stop thinking about this story and my mind got carried away. (chuckles)
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for the amazing reception this story got! I was a bit hesitant to post this so it means a lot to me that you enjoyed the taster. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s go and try to be brave. (gulps) I’d say ‘I hope you’ll enjoy the ride’, but... Well. (winces)
> 
> TO AVOID CONFUSION: This story happens on three time-levels. Every chapter opens with past and closes with future.
> 
> / _past_ /  
> present  
> / future /
> 
> (all three time-levels pretty much continue straight from the previous chapter)

/ _Alec wasn’t a spontaneous person. He didn’t do crazy things with hardly even a moment’s consideration. Yet somehow when they first met, he ended up talking with Magnus until the bar’s staff kicked them out to close. Before they parted ways he was bold enough to suggest exchanging phone numbers. And a couple of days later he was the one who asked if Magnus would like to join him for a morning run._

_Magnus’ response came within seconds. ‘_ I’ll have you know that I’m not a morning person. But for you I’ll make an exception. _’_

_That shouldn’t have made Alec’s heart thud the way it did._

_Magnus appeared without a hint on makeup on his face and was somehow even more beautiful to Alec than the previous time they met. It turned out the man was in a phenomenal physical condition and they both enjoyed exercising. (Although Magnus complained about the early hour several times, mostly playfully.) They didn’t advance as fast as they usually did to allow them to talk. Eventually they paused for a proper breather._

_Panting, Alec winced apologetically. “This... isn’t exactly a romantic first date.” He was so bad at this! He screwed up, didn’t he? But he’d never been on a date before and..._

_Magnus’ eyebrow bounced up. There was a teasing glint in his eyes. “Bold of you to assume that this is a date.” The man went on before he could panic or overthink, clearly sensing that his brain began to whir. “You’re forgiven, because I’m actually enjoying myself. But how about I choose where we go next time?”_

_Alec’s heart? It did a little victory dance in his chest. He did his best to keep a straight face but probably failed. “Bold of you to assume that we’ll have a second date.”_

_Magnus stared for a couple of seconds. Then laughed. It was still the most beautiful sound Alec had ever heard. They took a step closer to each other and suddenly their lips were just a breath away from touching. The slightest bit of movement forward and..._

_Magnus’ lips brushed his cheek before the man whispered in his ear. “Race you to the park.” And then Magnus was running._

_Alec stared at the other’s distancing back, his head spinning while it attempted to comprehend what just happened. He was uncomfortably sure that most of the color all over his face wasn’t caused by physical strain. Deciding that he didn’t actually care, he shook his head to clear it. “That’s cheating!” he accused before rushing after Magnus._ /

/

Early in the afternoon following his hospitalization Magnus was finally allowed to go home. It wasn’t quite as much of a relief as Alec had been hoping. The doctor ordered about a million different tests and now they faced a torturous wait for the results.

They were both exhausted and despite refusing to admit as much Magnus was clearly achy. A thoughtful silence lingered while they waited for an elevator to come. Their arms were wrapped around each other and Magnus’ head leaned against his shoulder.

“I have an idea.” Magnus attempted to keep his tone light but it didn’t come out quite right. “If we get bad news... We should get a cat.”

Ice-water flowed through Alec’s veins. A protective arm pulled Magnus closer before he’d contemplated the action. “Stop that”, he came far too close to snapping. “We’re not going to get... bad news. You’ll be okay.” Just then the elevator’s doors slid open and they entered. Alec’s hold on his fiancé didn’t loosen the slightest bit. “Do you think you can eat something? I know that I’m not much of a chef but I can fix a soup or... something.”

“Alexander.” All of a sudden Magnus was solemn, far too much so. (Had Alec ever seen his beloved really, properly scared before?) A pair of tired, pleading eyes searched his. “I know that it’s stupid, but... If we get bad news... I want us to have something living to focus on and look after.”

Alec worked his jaw. Then relented, as he always did under the force of _that_ look. “Fine. _If_ things go there, and they won’t, we’ll get a damned bad news cat. But I’m not touching the litter box.”

Magnus smiled and kissed him. “Deal.” A gentle thumb rubbed soothing circles on his palm. (Which one of them was Magnus trying to comfort?) “And I’ll do the cooking today. The last time I let you work your magic in the kitchen led to a small fire.”

Alec huffed and rolled his eyes. Deep inside he was grateful that his fiancé knew him well enough to allow him this distraction. “A year and a half and you still remind me of that...!”

/

“I’m scared”, Alec finally admitted over the phone later that day, while Magnus slept. (Magnus, who was the most active person he’d ever met and never took naps.) He glanced towards his slumbering beloved to make sure that his voice hadn’t distracted the man’s rest. “He was in so much pain. What if...?”

“ _Hey, none of that._ ” Jace worked at the same station as he did and was bound to notice his absence that day. (Alec didn’t have it in him to come up with a lie so he told what frustratingly little he knew.) “ _Stop thinking about all the worst-case scenarios. It’s probably just stress, you know how hard Magnus has worked on the new collection._ ”

“Yeah.” Alec wanted to believe that. Needed to believe that. He watched his soon-to-be-husband’s face, terrified to look away for even a second. “How’s Clary? Has the morning sickness eased at all?” He needed something else to think about.

Jace clearly understood. “ _A bit. And the cravings are starting. Last night I woke up to her wanting chili fries. Apparently she’s not as bad as you at handling anything even a bit spicy anymore._ ”

After the phone call Alec continued to stare at Magnus for a while. Until the physical need to be close overwhelmed him and he crawled to the bed as well, mindful to not wake up his fiancé. Sensing him there, Magnus sighed happily and snuggled closer but didn’t stir. Alec pulled him close and held on.

Jace was right. He had to stop thinking about all the worst-case scenarios. They weren’t... _there_. They didn’t have a bad news cat.

“You’re not going anywhere.” He kissed Magnus’ head, which earned him another happy sigh. “We have a wedding to plan.”

/

A week and a half later no distractions helped anymore. Magnus was called to a sudden doctor’s appointment and to Alec’s frustration work kept him from going along. He couldn’t focus, no matter how hard he tried to tell himself that everything would be alright. That there was no reason to fret.

At least Alec was able to leave work early. (His Captain Luke Garroway pretty much kicked him out, telling him to go where he was needed.) When he made it home his hands were so unsteady that he had hard time getting the door open. _Please, please, if there’s anyone up there listening...!_ , his mind chanted. “Magnus, baby? Are you...?” He reached the living room and everything came to a halt. Including his heart, right before it smashed to a million pieces.

Magnus sat on their couch. Holding a beautiful, tiny, sad-eyed cat. As someone who knew the man better than himself Alec could tell that the other had been crying. At the moment Magnus did his best to smile bravely. “I got him from a shelter. Can you believe that he spent seven months there without anyone wanting him?” The man’s hands shook while he scratched the cat. “I named him Chairman Meow because it was the most ridiculous option that came to mind.”

Alec stood absolutely still. Like not moving or even breathing would’ve somehow stopped the awful reality from creeping up on him. “Magnus.” That couldn’t be his voice. “How bad is it?”

Alec had hard time comprehending what came next. Suddenly he was on the couch as well. The words... They seemed to echo from some other world. “... liver cancer ... has spread ...”

Alec swallowed convulsively. Once, twice. Unsure whether the urge to cry, scream or throw up was the strongest. “How long?” he forced out, his voice a tiny and pathetic thing.

Magnus sniffled. (Alec didn’t look because the sight of those tears would’ve made him crumble.) They held each other’s hands almost painfully tightly. “The doctor, ah... didn’t want to give specific estimates. But... It didn’t sound like much.”

Magnus was sick. Magnus had cancer. Magnus was leaving him.

It couldn’t be real.

There was an awful, animalistic whimper. Alec realized with delay that it came from him. Sobs erupted next and when he broke down Magnus lost control, too.

Chairman was still in Magnus’ lap as they clung to each other. Held on for dear life. Far too aware of the miserable fact that precious time was quickly running out.

/

/ After watching the recording of Magnus five times Alec slept, and slept. Because in his dreams his world hadn’t fallen apart. In his dreams, in every single one of them, Magnus was still in his arms. Happy, alive and healthy.

A knock from somewhere far away pulled him harshly to the merciless reality. When he didn’t move a muscle the intruder used a key to let themselves in. Chairman rushed to greet the arrival with an excited meow, Alec remained under the bedcovers. (The cat still waited for Magnus to come home. So did Alec despite knowing better.)

“Alec?” Izzy’s voice called out. “Jace was getting worried because you didn’t answer his calls or messages. And... We have to go soon. It’s almost noon and...” She couldn’t bring herself to finish the sentence and her voice cracked.

If Alec had been able to delude himself earlier that was the moment it all got too real. That’s right. Today was _the day_. Alec closed his eyes, which stung from recently shed and threatening tears.

There was no way he could do this...!

He didn’t hear the steps entering the room so he shivered from startle when Izzy sat to the edge of the bed. A supportive hand was laid where she saw his shoulder roughly was. Two minutes passed by before she spoke. “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now. But if you don’t go...” She sighed. “Alec, I know you. You’d never forgive yourself.”

Izzy was right, of course. Magnus fought tooth and nail to stay with him for as long as the man could. This... This was the last thing he could do for the love of his life. Very slowly and with great effort he opened his eyes. Everything was a little blurry. “I’ll go”, he assured barely audibly. “I just... I need a moment.” Or a million moments.

“Okay.” Izzy squeezed his shoulder. When she spoke she sounded emotional. “Remember that you’re not alone, especially today. I’ll wait for you in the car when you’re ready.”

Alec didn’t think he’d ever be ready. But he had to do this, anyway. For Magnus.

Izzy walked out of the apartment reluctantly, knowing that Alec needed some space. Before going she left behind a beautiful, wooden box that had the eternity symbol carved on top of it. Magnus trusted it to her hands when he had less than a week left. Despite the man being very, very sick and barely able to walk on his own at the time his only concern was Alec.

(‘ _I can’t be there for Alec that day, but... Give this to him. Maybe it’ll give him some comfort._ ’)

Alec sat to the car an hour later. Dressed in black, his pale face strained and a haunted look in his eyes. Her brother didn’t seem to notice that he was playing with his wedding ring, which was slipped into place just far too short months earlier. When those motions became more frantic Izzy eventually took his hand and held on. She didn’t say a word, neither did he. They were both all too aware of how unfair this all was.

And so the drive towards Magnus’ funeral began. /

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was that... sadder than the first chapter? Oh man, poor babies! Oh, Alec, he’s so lost without Magnus. (sniffles)
> 
> Sooooo... Thoughts? Comments? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Especially when writing something THIS emotionally charged it means A LOT to know that you’re taking this journey with me.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	3. Shocks to the System

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the past Alec and Magnus have an eventful second date that leads to a kiss. In present they try to comprehend the horrible news they just received. And hear a devastating prognosis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s right, folks. Another chapter. Are we ready for this? (gulps)
> 
> DANG...! THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for all the comments, love and support. I can’t believe how much adoration this story has received! (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s take a deep breath. Tissues may be needed? And on we go.
> 
> TO AVOID CONFUSION: This story happens on three time-levels. Every chapter opens with past and closes with future.
> 
> / _past_  
>  /  
> present  
> / future /

/ _On their second date Magnus took Alec to a small, fancy restaurant. Just the sight of it made Alec panic because he’d never been to such a place before. Meeting Magnus, who looked like something out of a fashion magazine, outside it didn’t exactly help him calm down. His heart raced and he couldn’t breathe as he stared at the man. Then, after embarrassingly long, he remembered to hand over the single white rose he brought along. At the time it seemed like a sweet idea. Now he felt like an idiot. “I, um... For you.”_

_Perhaps he hadn’t messed up, after all. Because Magnus’ eyes lit up like he’d been given the moon. “You continue to surprise me, Alexander.”_

_Alec found himself smiling and felt a tiny bit less like an idiot – for a moment._

_Alec was so nervous that he wasn’t in full control over his body. Just as they stepped in, hand in hand, he lost his balance. They stumbled to the floor, his tall form landing heavily on top of Magnus. In front of an irritated looking waitress._

_Alec wanted to sink through the floor. Magnus offered the waitress a radiant smile and held on to him like someone who never wanted to let go. “Evening. A table for two, the reservation is under the name Bane.”_

_At least the waitress didn’t roll her eyes._

_Things... actually improved from there. They started talking, with Magnus doing most of it at first, and the natural chemistry between them helped Alec relax. They led very different lives, with him being a cop and Magnus being a fashion designer, but their personalities and many interests clicked. The conversation enchanted Alec to a point where he yelped from startle as their food arrived. He cleared his throat once the waiter had left. “I’m... sorry...”_

_Magnus shook his head, something soft in his eyes. “Don’t you dare apologize. You’re the sweetest person I’ve had the privilege to spend time with in years.”_

_Encouraged, Alec tried his food. To realize that choosing the sauce he did was a terrible mistake. As soon as the spices touched his tongue it was like his mouth was set on fire. He coughed and attempted to drink water but it only made the situation worse. Eventually he had to leave the table because everyone at the restaurant was staring at him. He locked himself to a toilet stall, coughed and vowed to never come out._

_Someone had other plans. A door opened and soon Magnus spoke. “While I do like your sneakers, I’d really love to see your pretty face.”_

_Alec contemplated his options, to realize that he only had one. He inhaled a deep, steadying breath. Then pushed the door open. “This date... It’s been a total disaster and...”_

_Magnus placed a finger against his lips. “First of all... The evening is still young. I refuse to label this a disaster already. Secondly... I’ve had an amazing time.”_

_Alec stared. The other didn’t seem to be lying. “You can’t be serious”, he sputtered._

_Magnus took a step closer. “Let me show you how serious I am.” Slowly, giving him the opportunity to say ‘no’, the man leaned towards him. Then pressed their lips together._

_Alec had never experienced anything even close to what overcame him with the kiss. He found himself deepening it and everything inside him sang at how perfect it felt. In that very instant it was clear to him that he never wanted to kiss anyone else._

_Eventually they had to pull apart due to lack of oxygen and rested their foreheads together. Alec kept his eyes closed while his head spun and licked his lips. “I... I can’t believe that I just had my first kiss in a toilet.”_

_Magnus started to laugh and he found himself joining it. “Well, at least it’s the toilet of a fancy restaurant.” The warm, honest smile on the man’s face convinced Alec that he hadn’t totally ruined their date. “Let’s get out of here.”_

_A couple of hours later they enjoyed bacon burgers from East Village and Magnus looked achingly perfect even with a sauce stain on his chin. Watching him, Alec came to another realization. He never wanted to have a date with anyone else._

_Magnus noticed his stare, it was kind of hard to miss. The man’s eyebrow arched. “Is there... something on my face?”_

_Alec saw his opportunity. And hoped dearly that he wouldn’t make a total fool out of himself. Again. “Actually... You do.” Was this how it was supposed to be done? He leaned towards the stain on Magnus and kissed it away. “Okay, all gone.”_

_Magnus watched him with something peculiar in his eyes. (Later it’d turn out that the man started to fall in love. Alec had those same eyes the second they first met.) “Thank you.”_

_Alec frowned. “For what? It was just a stain.”_

_“Simply for being you, this entire night.”_

_Alec shrugged. What a bizarre thing to thank him for. “I... wouldn’t know how to be anyone else.”_

_This time it was Magnus who kissed him, on the lips. It tasted of a bacon burger and something that was pure Magnus. (Alec’s toes curled a little in his shoes.) “I know”, Magnus whispered against his lips. “That’s exactly why I thanked you.”_

_Alec still didn’t understand but if it earned him a kiss, he wasn’t complaining._ /

/

There was so much Alec and Magnus had to talk about after the devastating news. Neither felt like talking when they barely comprehended the whole thing. They couldn’t bear facing their new reality just yet. So they distracted each other, just a little while longer.

They started kissing, heatedly, desperately. Quite soon that passion caught fire and Alec picked up Magnus, who wrapped his legs around the other, trusting him completely. Alec pulled his beloved closer, his hands feeling eagerly.

Magnus was right there, real and solid. Alive and familiar. Alec anchored his mind and aching heart on that.

They both gasped softly upon hitting the bed, Magnus first and Alec following, careful to not squash his fiancé. Their breaths mingled seconds before they continued to kiss. Two pairs of busy hands wandered and explored, anxious to memorize every little detail. Clothes were sent flying while the close proximity between them added fuel to fire.

Despite how intense and eager they were it was all far gentler than usual. Not careful, just tender. This was more about looking after each other and connecting than seeking pleasure. They reached climax together, their hot breaths shuddering. Kissing Magnus’ neck, Alec marveled not for the first time how well their bodies fit together. Like they were made just for each other.

(Alec adamantly refused to face the reality that he was losing _this_ , all of this.)

Much later they lay in each other’s arms, neither wanting to put an inch of distance between them. Alec had almost fallen asleep before Magnus whispered something barely audible in a language he couldn’t understand. (Clearly imagining that he was out cold already.) He opened one eye. “What did that mean?”

Magnus shook his head. The man’s eyes seemed to shimmer from moisture but in the dark it was hard to tell for sure. “Nothing of importance.” The fashion designer hesitated. “Alexander...” The rest faded away.

Alec kissed the man who was his world. “I know.” He brushed a strand of hair from Magnus’ forehead and got lost in the other’s eyes. His lips opened but nothing came out.

Magnus smiled. There was more than a hint of sadness to it. “I know, too.”

They both shivered from startle when something jumped on the bed to accompany them. Alec groaned and Magnus chuckled affectionately as Chairman greeted them with a meow. “Were you feeling lonely?” Magnus cooed, scratching the cat from behind an ear. “Look at him. How cute that he joins us on his first night.” Alec’s grumpy half-growl made the other roll his eyes. “Drop the act, I know that you like him, too.”

Alec definitely wasn’t a big fan of what the cat represented. But the tiny creature himself, who was currently attempting to lick his face like a puppy... “I may learn to tolerate him. But I’m still not touching the litter box.”

Magnus laughed and kissed his cheek before leaning his head against his shoulder.

Eventually, shortly before sunrise, they fell asleep like that. With Chairman purring softly. Harsh reality didn’t get to them before the morning.

/

The next few days passed by in a blur. Alec and Magnus danced around _the topic_ but neither was quite ready to talk about it in length. Could they really be blamed? They were supposed to be getting ready for their wedding and a long, happy future together. Not bracing themselves for one of them... _leaving_.

Alec spent as much time as he could looking for options, from the States and abroad. To find nothing that would’ve been actually realistic. He’d always been a fixer, especially when it came to those dearest to him. (And there was no one dearer than Magnus.) The idea that this was something he couldn’t do anything about... It was maddening.

Then it couldn’t be avoided anymore. Alec joined Magnus for the man’s next doctor’s appointment. They held hands while listening to a tired looking, quietly speaking man in his sixties whose name refused to stay in Alec’s memory. It was all so full of infuriatingly incomprehensible medical jargon that he understood only about one tenth of what they were told.

Then Magnus asked a seemingly simple question and Alec wished he wouldn’t have understood. “You won’t give exact estimates, but...” Magnus’ Adam’s apple bobbed while the fashion designer swallowed and blinked rapidly. “I’m... We’re planning a summer wedding. Will I still be here next summer?”

Alec shuddered. He got shot once on duty. And that... That hurt far less. His hold on Magnus’ hand tightened desperately.

The doctor’s half-open, drowsy eyes obtained a look that didn’t promise good news. He inhaled a deep breath. “Perhaps a winter wedding would be a better option.”

After the appointment Magnus announced that he needed a moment alone, in a tone that made clear he meant it. The man swore to meet him in their car in exactly ten minutes before dashing towards a toilet. Alec took the same elevator down they used after Magnus’ pain-filled night, this time alone, and made his way to their car numbly. He slumped to the driver’s seat and stared ahead, all too aware that he was alone. And then... he lost it.

He screamed, at the top of his voice. Over and over again. From the bottom of his heart and soul.

Alec didn’t quite know whether he chose to stop screaming or ran out of voice. Eventually only the sound of rain beating the car could be heard, along with his ragged breathing. His hand trembled while he wiped his eyes.

Exactly ten minutes after they parted Magnus slid to the passenger’s seat. Pale, visibly shaken, red-eyed and carrying the scent of breath mints. It took a mighty while before either of them spoke. Magnus went first, so quietly that the rain almost swallowed his words. “I... I’m not ready to go.”

Alec grabbed his beloved’s hand. Held on with all his might. “And I’m not letting you go.” He breathed once, twice. It hurt with how tight his chest was. “There’s... We still have time. We’ll fight this, together.” _For as long as we can._

Magnus sniffled and wiped his eyes, ruining his makeup. “Do you, ah... think we can order in from that Thai place?” Neither of them was hungry but poking at food would keep them distracted for a little while. “I’ll have to call Catarina while we wait for food, she’s tried to call six times.” Magnus blinked hard and focused on the car’s ceiling for a while before continuing. “Should I... tell her that we’ll have a winter wedding, after all?”

Alec nodded because he physically couldn’t produce speech. It started to dawn on him that they’d have to tell _everyone_ that the wedding would take place sooner. Along with why the schedule changed.

Facing the news with just the two of them was bad enough. Having to share them with their nearest and dearest would be a new world of awful. Because after that there’d be no more avoiding the reality.

/

/ Jace, Clary and Max waited by a small, beautiful church when Alec and Izzy reached it. None of them offered words because what difference would anything they said have made? They embraced him tightly and upon entering Alec had one sibling on each side of him. It didn’t make the ordeal any less any devastating but he appreciated the gesture.

It wasn’t a surprise that the church was full. Magnus was the kind of a person who touched a lot of people with his kindness and sheer energy. Everyone’s attention turned to him and Alec fixed his gaze straight ahead to maintain his composure. Which was a mistake. Because there, at the altar, was a sea of flowers, along with a picture of Magnus. The sight was nearly enough to sweep Alec off his feet and that might’ve happened if Jace hadn’t used an arm to support him. Thoughts and emotions exploded inside him, so many that the shock numbed him.

_Damned it, Magnus...! I can’t do this. Howcouldyoudothistome, pleasecomeback, IloveyoubutIcan’t, I’msorryMagnusplease...!_

At least he wasn’t expected to deliver a speech and he wouldn’t have made it through that. (Those who knew him understood as much and the opinions of others didn’t matter.) Alec slumped to the seat his siblings steered him to and trembled, feeling like he was stuck in a never-ending nightmare.

He wasn’t the only one who had it rough. Raphael Santiago, a priest who was also like a brother to Magnus, stepped up. The man looked like he hadn’t slept in days. When their gazes met they exchanged small nods. (They hadn’t always seen eye to eye. But now, on such an awful day, they understood each other like never before. Like Magnus always hoped they would get one another. The bitter irony wasn’t lost on Alec.) “We’re gathered here today because we’ve lost someone irreplaceable.” Raphael composed himself for a moment. “Magnus... He was one of the very few people who has ever truly known me. Who saw me for who I am, right from the start. If it wasn’t for him... I don’t know whether I’d be... here. I definitely wouldn’t be in my current profession. Losing him... It’s like I’ve lost a piece of myself, too. I know that it’s a similar story for many of you.” The man shook his head, openly vulnerable in a manner he’d never been before. “Magnus being gone... It doesn’t make any sense. He was always larger than life, had the biggest heart of everyone I’ve ever met. He also had this spark in him that lit up everyone and everything around him. And because of that spark...” The priest swallowed hard and blinked rapidly. “Because of that spark he’s not really gone. A tiny bit of it lives in us all, in our hearts.” Raphael made a subtle hand gesture and once the church’s lights were dimmed everyone, Alec included, lifted a led candle. “Let’s keep that spark alive in his honor. Let’s keep it so bright that he’ll see it from where he is and knows that he’ll never be forgotten.”

Tears filled Alec’s eyes and meandered down his cheeks. When he closed his eyes a mental image of Magnus’ face appeared immediately. He was so focused on it that he jumped slightly when something was offered to him. An urn. Nausea bubbled in the pit of his stomach as he realized that it was time for the last journey he’d take with Magnus.

Only those closest to Magnus joined him for the next part. They stopped by at several locations that were important to the fashion designer. A tiny bit of the ashes were scattered by the building where Magnus worked, where the company that was his baby and legacy located. Some more were left by the dance studio where he spent years upon years training. By some miracle Alec managed to keep himself together, likely because of shock. Until they ended up to Magnus’ favorite park. It happened to be the same to which they raced on their first date.

Almost as soon as they released a small portion of ashes an unexpected gush of wind grabbed it. Making it dance gracefully. As though Magnus was saying goodbye, one last time. That was when it truly hit Alec.

Magnus was gone. Magnus would never come back. The ashes dancing in the wind was the last he’d ever see of the only man he’d ever fall in love with.

And then the ashes faded from view.

All strength and will left Alec’s muscles, sending him to his knees on the ground. His mouth opened, for what he had no idea. He stared at the by then empty air in front of him through tear-filled eyes. And felt a piece of himself die. /

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear gosh...! That... stung, a little. (sniffles and pouts at oneself)
> 
> Sooooo... Thoughts? Comments? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments always brighten my days.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that you’ll join in for that one.
> 
> Take care!


	4. Revelations and Family Matters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malec is forced to break the awful news to friends and family. In the future Alec’s mind spirals after the funeral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m BAAAACK, with another chapter. (grins) Hooray?
> 
> THANK YOU, so much, for your comments, love and support! This story is pretty emotional to write so it means A LOT to have you taking this path with me. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride. (Well, I say enjoy but... You know what I mean.)
> 
> TO AVOID CONFUSION: This story happens on three time-levels. Every chapter opens with past and closes with future.
> 
> / _past_ /  
> present  
> / future /

/ _Alec wasn’t ashamed of being gay, per se. He just wasn’t ready to come out yet. His parents definitely didn’t have any idea of his sexual orientation and he dreaded to imagine how they’d react if they knew. Max was too young to care. Jace and Izzy possibly had their suspicions. (Already years ago Izzy hinted fairly clearly that she knew Jessica Hawkblue was an imaginary girlfriend.)_

_It wasn’t a problem when Alec imagined that he’d never find a... special someone. But after four months and ten official dates, along with countless of less labeled meetings, he started to get a pretty clear idea that Magnus was... well, special. They even survived their first big fight, which took place on date seven. Magnus’ ex, Camille, cornered them while they were enjoying a dinner. She managed to poke at Alec’s insecurities and Magnus’ barely healed emotional wounds. They both felt vulnerable and defensive, which led to them saying things they didn’t mean. They growled at each other at the restaurant and practically exploded at Magnus’ apartment. Alec stormed out and slammed the door on his way. To run out of stamina immediately after and slumped to the floor, his rear hitting the floor painfully. Exactly half an hour later he stood on unsteady feet and reached out to knock. At the exact same moment Magnus opened the door, fully clothed and obviously intending to run after him. They embraced each other tightly and apologized, then actually talked. Instead of tearing them apart Camille helped make their relationship stronger._

_Alec’s family noticed that he was different, happier. He would’ve wanted to introduce them to the reason why. It infuriated him how Magnus’ gender kept him from doing that._

_Alec did his best to avoid the ‘meeting the family and making it public’ talk because he was ashamed of his own behavior. Until one evening they were walking towards a movie theater and he saw two young men. Kissing, smiling and holding hands, openly in love. It was exactly what he ached to have and his heart gave a painful thud._

_Of course Magnus noticed. The fashion designer frowned. “What’s wrong?”_

_“You deserve more than I can give you”, Alec blurted out. Never one to dance around topics. He swallowed but it didn’t erase the sudden bitter taste from his mouth. “All these months, and our relationship is still a secret. I can’t even hold your hand in public without getting all anxious.” He clenched his jaw. “You’re so beautiful, Magnus. You’re the best thing in my life. And I treat you like you’re some... dirty little secret.”_

_“Is that really how you see it? Because I don’t.” Magnus had nothing but support and sincerity written all over his face. “Alexander, I don’t ever want you to do anything you’re not ready for yet because of me. Especially something as big as coming out publicly.” There was a pause while they stepped to a quieter spot. “I’ve never had a biological family, all my friends accept me as I am and I’m in the kind of a position where I can fire or avoid those coworkers who have an... attitude. I know that it’s not that simple for you.” Magnus’ eyes softened still while looking into his. “I don’t need the whole world to know about us. The only ones who need to know where we stand are the two of us, and we do. That you’re not ready to come out yet says nothing about the depth of your feelings for me.”_

_Alec felt choked up from relief and the sheer intensity of his feelings. “Good, because...” He licked his lips, his head spinning a little. “Because I love you.” He’d known for sure since date six. Now, at last, he let those words out._

_Magnus stared at him like he was the most captivating piece of artwork in the world. What appeared to the man’s eyes... It was breathtaking. “I love you, too.”_

_They missed the movie in favor of kissing and cuddling at Magnus’ loft but neither minded much._

_The confession, how light and powerful it made him feel, remained on Alec’s mind. A couple of days later he and his siblings were at his parents’ house for a family dinner. His mother noticed his state of mind. “Someone has their head in the clouds”, she stated with some amusement. “Who’s the lucky girl?”_

_Alec opened his mouth, then closed it. He thought about Magnus. And opened his mouth again. “What... if it’s not a ‘she’?”_ /

/

There was no way Alec and Magnus could’ve beared breaking the news to their nearest and dearest one person at a time. They also knew that the time to come clean was on hand. Alec wasn’t much of an actor and hiding the kind of news he just heard at work... And from his siblings, friends and parents... It was too much. He could only imagine how awful it was to Magnus, who did his best to hide physical ailments along with emotional turmoil. When everyone started asking why they decided to have their wedding much earlier than planned they decided that the time had come and invited everyone over.

Alec watched Magnus while his fiancé finished getting ready. The man’s visibly expensive, completely black clothes and light but flawless makeup were far too much like an armor. “Are you ready?”

Magnus snorted. “No.” The man smiled lopsidedly. “But it’s not like we have a choice.”

It was infuriating and unfair how little choice they had over pretty much anything anymore. Alec didn’t have much time to get lost in that bitter thought before there was a knock on their door. Simon looked at him, then at Magnus. Alarm appeared to the young musician’s eyes. “Something’s wrong. What’s wrong?”

“Let’s... wait for the others to get here.” Magnus didn’t quite manage to keep his tone light. “A cookie?” Alec was a disaster in kitchen but somehow mastered the art of stress baking.

About twenty minutes later everyone was there. Sitting side by side and hand in hand, Alec and Magnus did their best to tell as much as they could bear simply and clearly. They wouldn’t be able to repeat it. Their audience seemed to understand, because with each word they appeared more mortified and the room’s silence became more suffocative.

In was quiet for torturously long. Eventually Max’s whispering voice broke it. “You’re... You’re going to die?” the teenager asked, sheer horror and some moisture in his eyes.

Magnus nodded because there was no sugarcoating it.

There was a sob. Very soon Clary had her arms wrapped around Magnus and face buried to the man’s shoulder. He was one of the very few people in her life she’d known since her childhood, something like a big brother to her. She was his Biscuit. Losing him... It’d hit her hard.

Her tears and Max’s question were like punches at Alec’s face because they made it impossible to avoid facing the reality.

A couple of hours later Alec watched Magnus standing at their balcony with Catarina, Ragnor and Raphael. Catarina had her head leaning against Magnus’ shoulder. Ragnor was at his friend’s other side, close enough to touch but electing not to. Raphael leaned against a wall slightly further away as a moody but permanent presence, arms folded. Once, while spectacularly drunk, Ragnor declared that they were the Three Musketeers and Raphael was their D’Artagnan. What would become of them when...?

“Hey.” Jace’s voice snatched Alec’s attention. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen his brother appear so solemn. “Look, Alec, I... I don’t know what to say.”

Alec shrugged and wiped his eyes, surprised when his fist came back moist. “It’s okay. I don’t know, either.” Words were useless, anyway.

Jace pulled him to a hug. (For once Alec, who usually wasn’t a fan of physical contact with anyone but Magnus, welcomed it. Clung to it.) “I can’t do much and it sucks, but... I’ll be there for you, both of you. Whenever you need me. And if you ever want to talk...”

“We’re getting married.” The sudden outburst surprised Alec but he kept going. “We... We were supposed to have decades together. We even talked about adopting kids. Maybe two boys.” His throat was so tight that he could barely get the words out. “We... We were supposed grow old and gray together. Jace, I can’t...!” Whatever voice he’d had faded away.

Jace didn’t offer platitudes or claim that ‘Yes, you can’. Didn’t even tease him for the tears that couldn’t be held back anymore. Only was there with him as he attempted to cope with the knowledge that this nightmare would never end.

/

The whole thing was so draining that Alec nodded off shortly after the apartment finally emptied. After he woke up fear sped through him when he realized that he was alone in the bed. (He wasn’t ready to be the only one occupying their bed, he’d never be ready...!) “Magnus?”

Following some instinct, Alec made his way to the kitchen. What he found was heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. Magnus was sketching, with the same almost manic energy as always. There was a nearly untouched drink on the table. (Apparently Magnus’ stomach had decided that it didn’t appreciate alcohol.) Chairman also sat on the table and watched the fashion designer working, mesmerized.

Alec didn’t approach soundlessly but Magnus was so absorbed by his work and thoughts that the man was startled nonetheless. “Sorry.” Alec kissed the other’s cheek. “I woke up and wondered why you aren’t resting, like you were supposed to.”

Magnus’ smile was genuine but frail. “When inspiration strikes”, the man explained. Dark eyes were fixed on the sheet of paper and held such silent despair that was painful to see. “Our wedding’s getting closer.” _My death’s getting closer._ “I just had this vision of the outfits we could wear.” More like he had one hours ago. Magnus always lost track of time when he sketched.

Alec wasn’t entirely sure how to voice even a part of the million thoughts in his head. “They’ll be amazing.” Of course they would be, if Magnus was the one designing them. “But... Are you sure that you’re up to this? You should take it easy...”

“I don’t want to rest and take it easy!” Magnus snapped, so sharply that Chairman meowed as a response. The man breathed through his nose a few times and wiped his eyes. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be yelling at you. I just... I don’t want to rest and take it easy when...” The words faded away. Magnus closed his eyes and opened them again almost a full minute later. “Alexander, I... I can’t spend whatever amount of time I have left preparing to die. I won’t.” The man shook his head. “I want to _live_ , every single day. I want to embrace life. I...” Magnus bit his teeth together so hard that it had to hurt when emotions threatened to boil over. “I want to marry you.”

Alec had no idea how he managed to not start crying. They settled so that the smaller man was sitting in his lap and he wrapped his arms around Magnus. Pulled him close, held on like he could’ve kept the man from being taken away. “Can I help?”

Magnus kissed his jaw before refocusing on his work. “I’m afraid you’re a little out of your element when it comes to fashion. But you are helping. Because you’re my greatest inspiration.”

They spent the night like that and fought their hardest to not wonder how many nights they had left together.

/

/ Once Magnus’ ashes had been scattered Alec was in such deep shock that he couldn’t really comprehend what was happening. People hugged him, patted his back and tried to offer clichéd comforting words. He was numb and deaf to it all.

Immediately _after_... There was a huge amount of practical things to take care of, even though the pair sorted out as much as they could before Magnus was gone. It kept Alec busy and going, offered a distraction. Now... Now it was officially over. And Alec was falling right into the huge, black hole he no longer had the strength and will to run away from.

Maryse had known that losing Magnus... It’d be a devastating blow. But seeing the dazed, practically unresponsive young man on her passenger’s seat, who kept shivering with marks from dried tears on his face... It was even worse than she’d feared. She opened her mouth several times during the drive, only to come up with nothing to say. What good were words when Alec had lost the man who was his world?

Not for the first time that day Maryse wanted to cry when they entered the loft that used to house two men. The life and warmth that used to fill the apartment were gone, like the place had become a ghost. Magnus’ scent was still heavy in the air and Alec froze without a warning, likely not noticing the wounded whimper that escaped him. Chairman answered with a meow and ran to greet them. It was unbelievable how sad the cat managed to appear upon finding just the two of them. Alec continued to just stand there and didn’t seem to have any idea what to do. “Mama, I can’t”, he choked out at last, so quietly that she almost missed it. He couldn’t stay in the loft. Couldn’t take any of this.

Maryse’s decision was made. She wiped her eyes and cleared her throat before speaking. “How about you spend a couple of nights with me?” she suggested. “Lucian would be happy to have you visiting.” Luke had been almost as worried about Alec as she was.

Usually Alec would’ve argued and demanded that he wanted to be alone. But it seemed that all will to fight had left her son. Not looking her way for even a second, his facial expression blank and eyes vacant, he forced himself to the bedroom to pack up. Chairman stared at her with big, sad eyes and meowed miserably. She sobbed once, unable to hold it back. “Don’t worry, you’re coming along. Magnus, he... he wouldn’t want you two to be alone right now.”

Alec took suspiciously long. Maryse peered to the bedroom and her heart ached some more when she saw him standing there, appearing utterly lost. Eventually he shoved a couple of shirts and a pair of pants to a bag. After contemplating for a moment he added another shirt she recognized as Magnus’ and a mysterious box. (She would’ve known that it was from Magnus even without Izzy confirming as much later.) “Are you ready to go?” she inquired when he froze once more.

Alec nodded, still avoiding her eyes. He didn’t say a word. It’d take a while before he’d speak again.

Luke greeted them quietly upon their arrival but Alec barely noticed. He headed towards the guest room like a zombie. As he walked away Maryse felt unnervingly like she was losing him, too.

In the guest room Alec curled up on the bed with his back towards the door and Magnus’ shirt held tightly against his chest. Chairman curled up beside him and he wanted to pet the cat. He wanted to look into the box his husband left behind but couldn’t find the will. He wanted to be sad, angry, anything. But it was like someone had switched him off, body and soul.

How was he supposed to ever feel alive again when his heart was nothing but ashes he left dancing in the wind? /

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh... That... sort of stung. (winces) Poor, poor Alec! And Magnus, too.
> 
> Soooo... How was that? Any good at all? PLEASE, let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS mean the world to me.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you there.
> 
> Take care!


	5. The Fine Line Between Ugly and Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus get busy planning their wedding and Magnus starts the fight to stay for as long as he can. In the future Alec isn’t coping with the loss well and someone may make things even worse for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, folks. About to face another chapter. I wonder if I owe you some tissue money by now...? (chuckles nervously)
> 
> THANK YOU, so much, for your comments, love and support! You can’t even imagine how much you being there for me means to me.
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s take a deep breath. Here we go!
> 
> TO AVOID CONFUSION: This story happens on three time-levels. Every chapter opens with past and closes with future.
> 
> / _past_ /  
> present  
> / future /

/ _“I’m... I’ve met someone. Magnus. We’ve been together for a while now.” And just like that Alec’s biggest secret was out. He held his breath while waiting for his family’s verdict. With every passing second the pressure squeezing against his chest grew greater and it got harder to breathe._

_Jace and Max appeared surprised but not judgmental. Izzy grinned, the proud look in her eyes saying ‘Finally!’. It was almost like she’d known all along. Their silent acceptance without questions warmed Alec’s heart._

_Until he looked towards his mom. Who stared back at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. Did she shake her head or was that his imagination? “Alec, what are you saying? You’re not...! You can’t be...!”_

_“Enough with this nonsense. Alec isn’t gay, he’s still acting out because I tried to talk him into going to law school.” His father lifted his chin. “Was it your intention to kill our appetites? Because you succeeded.”_

_Alec couldn’t listen to any more of that. He got up with such speed that his chair scraped loudly against the floor. He’d never known the kind of courage he felt then before Magnus. “I’ve known that I’m gay since I was a teenager. Since then I’ve been terrified of coming out, of being who I really am. Do you know why? Because of this. Because I knew that you’d never approve of the real me.” With that he whirled around and stormed out of the house._

_Alec had already almost made it to his car when running steps approached him. His siblings surrounded him, with the kind of palpable warmth and acceptance that soothed his aching heart a little. “Mom and dad are stupid”, Max declared. “We don’t care who you sleep with.”_

_“Max!” Izzy chastised. Then shrugged. “He’s right, though. This Magnus... We’ve seen how happy he makes you.” She hugged him and held on tight. “And we’re happy for you.”_

_Alec hugged back because he really needed the comfort. Jace embraced him next, finishing the contact with a pat on his back. “They’ll smarten up.” (Alec wasn’t so sure about that but admired his brother’s faith.) “Until then you’ve got us. And we’ve got you.”_

_With that as his comfort, Alec drove away from his parents’ house and wondered if he’d ever be invited there again. The thought of being cast aside, disowned, made him more emotional than he would’ve liked. Fortunately he knew exactly where to go._

_Magnus seemed surprised to find him from behind his door. “Alexander? What...?” He cut his boyfriend’s question with a searing kiss._

_Once they had to part for air Alec panted against the other’s swollen lips. “Today... Today’s been horrible, but... It’s taught me something. That I want you. All of you.” Whatever it was holding him back from going all the way was gone._

_Magnus appeared a little skeptical. The man licked his lips. “Are you sure? You’re clearly overwhelmed and I don’t want to take advent...”_

_“I’m sure.” And he was. “I’ve never been this sure about anything.”_

_Perhaps Magnus believed him. Maybe the fashion designer just couldn’t combat his own urges any longer. They started kissing again. In a manner that could only ever lead to one outcome. Slowly but determinedly they made their way towards the bedroom, not letting go of each other for even a second. Their scattered clothes paved their path and with each removed article Alec had some more deliciously soft, bare skin under his hands. The sheer, almost animalistic want... It threatened to push him out of his mind._

_They gasped into each other’s mouths upon landing on a bed, Alec crashing on top of the smaller man. They met each other’s eyes, their gazes full of lust and love. Whatever hope there’d been of being able to stop vanished._

_Alec was inexperienced. (Well, that was putting it mildly. He’d never done this before.) But his instincts... They were working well and eager. His mouth and hands knew exactly what to do. Like they’d explored Magnus’ body before, in some of other life. And the way they moved together effortlessly was pure art. The sinful sounds erupting from them sealed the deal._

_It didn’t only end Alec’s bad day with a good memory, it also became one of his favorite memories._

_In the morning he told Magnus everything, while they lay wrapped around each other. The other pulled him close protectively and was silent for a mighty while. “You shouldn’t underestimate parents’ love. Yours will come around eventually. Until then you have your siblings.” Magnus kissed him gently. “And me.”_

_Alec tightened his hold on Magnus. Feeling the man he adored there, basking in that unconditional love, was the best possible soothing balm. “I do?”_

_Magnus nodded resolutely. “You have me. Forever and always.”_ /

/

Sharing the news with their loved ones, and after that with friends and co-workers... It was absolutely horrible. But at least it led to something positive. They were by no means poor but with the medical bills they’d soon get they wouldn’t have a lot to invest on the happier things in life. (They also couldn’t avoid considering funeral costs.) They would’ve been perfectly content with a small, intimate wedding. Their nearest and dearest thought differently and arranged a fund for them. With the power of internet word of the fund soon spread among friends and others who just happened to care. The amount of money they got... It baffled them. And ensured that even half a year ahead of schedule they’d be able to afford their dream wedding. So they started planning.

The outfits Magnus designed for them would look amazing, Alec already saw as much from the sketches. They were still... negotiating about the location but they did have a fairly solid idea of what flowers and other decorations they wanted. And most importantly they’d set the date. It was incredibly good and therapeutic to have something so positive to look forward to.

One thing about the wedding Alec wasn’t looking forward to – the only such thing, really – was their first dance. Because two left feet... That didn’t come even close to describing his skills. Or well, lack of skills.

Magnus knew as much. One afternoon they had a very delicious, very successful cake tasting which was followed by a late evening at a dance studio. Alec raised a skeptical eyebrow while Magnus arranged music for them. “This will end in disaster. You know that, right?”

“Perhaps. Perhaps not.” Magnus twirled around gracefully. It was impossible to believe that someone so vibrant could be so badly ill. (Alec wouldn’t have believed it if he hadn’t been along to hear the prognosis, or held Magnus through three hours of excruciating pain the night before.) “But before you declare yourself a lost cause, why don’t you let me help? Once a week, just the two of us, all the way until the wedding.” Of course they were realistic enough to know that Magnus might not be well enough to hold his end of the deal. But the idea was sweet. They wrapped their arms around each other and started to move slowly to the melody. “And for every time you step on my feet, you give me a kiss.”

“Oh?” Alec couldn’t resist the opportunity to pull the love of his life closer. “How is that method of punishment supposed to encourage me to learn?”

Magnus laughed and Alec hoped, with his all, that he’d never have to stop hearing that sound. Seconds later he stepped on the other’s feet for the first time. And made up for it accordingly with a soft, loving kiss.

/

It was massive emotional roller coaster to make wedding plans and choose how to advance with terminal cancer simultaneously. All those brochures they got from the hospital were useless. Digging through internet turned out to be a mistake. Alec needed answers and Magnus’ oncologist was able to give far too few. There just was no telling how the cancer would proceed and what sort of an impact it’d have. Things might decline slowly but steadily until ‘the bitter end’, as Magnus called it. Or then there might be a sudden crash out of the blue.

When given the option Magnus chose to go through with treatment. Even if he’d go bald and have to wear a hat for their wedding. Magnus declared that even if it’d only buy them some all too short days together it’d be worth it.

There was infuriatingly little Alec could do to help Magnus while his fiancé fought tooth and nail to stay with him for as long as possible. One of those things was joining his beloved for the man’s first chemo session. Waiting for it to begin they sat side by side in a surreally white room that had an unnerving amount of clinical equipment in it. While Alec’s gaze darted around restlessly he couldn’t help paying attention to the other patients and his stomach knotted uncomfortably.

Most of them were bald. All of them were visibly ill. The worst part was seeing the one empty spot and understanding what it symbolized. Watching the same spot, more than one of the other patients wiped their eyes.

A kiss on his cheek pulled Alec to more pleasant thoughts. “There you are”, Magnus murmured when their eyes met. “Let’s just breathe for a moment, okay?” They both needed it. After a few moments they felt a little calmer. “We’re at the beginning of a battle. Don’t think too much about the end of it yet.”

Alec nodded, unable to produce a word.

“You two are just too adorable.” Turning their heads, they found a young woman at around their age grinning at them. “I’m Maia. Welcome to our merry circle.”

A round of introductions followed. Alec smiled fondly as he watched how Magnus interacted with the others; smiled, chatted and laughed a few times with shining eyes. And listened with warmth and sympathy while the others shared stories of their fallen circle member, Helen. That was the kind of a person the fashion designer was, what made Alec fall in love. Magnus’ spark lit up a whole room, no matter how bleak of a room it was.

A few hours later Alec did his best to help Magnus while the man vomited violently and trembled with a few tears running down his cheeks. The detective wasn’t the praying kind. But there on the bathroom floor he prayed, desperately, that against a doctor’s verdict the spark he loved so very much wouldn’t go out anytime soon. (Of course he knew that even a century wouldn’t have been enough time.)

/

/ On his worst days Alec’s mom tried to more or less literally feed him. (It brought back too many memories of how he and Magnus sometimes shared breakfasts in bed and brought food items to bed for... pleasurable use. As well as memories of how he attempted to feed Magnus when the love of his life was too drained and in too much agony to move a muscle.) Luke tried to tell him how much he was missed at work. (The life he once had... It seemed so far away.) Izzy came over and just held him. (Alec would’ve given everything, his own life included, if it’d been Magnus holding him instead. Even if only just one more time.) Jace visited several times and babbled constantly. (Mostly about what his baby girl, Maggie, had been up to. His brother was living the happiest time of his life. Alec hated himself for the touch of jealous bitterness that realization brought into him.)

It was Max who got to Alec the most. His heart twinged from ache and guilt when his usually bubbly brother sobbed once. “I miss you.”

Alec had no idea how much time passed by. More than a few days, definitely. He shuffled around his mom’s house like a friendly ghost, usually dragged himself between the bed, a couch and bathroom. Wherever he went Chairman followed, obviously terrified of losing another human.

He didn’t speak, even a word. He barely ate and only washed himself when his mom ordered him to. Mostly he slept, because in every single one of his dreams Magnus was still there with him. When he was awake he comforted, or perhaps tortured, himself with watching recordings of Magnus on his phone. Over and over again. On his few lucid moments he knew that he couldn’t go on like that for much longer. Most of the time he was too out of it to care.

One painfully bright afternoon his father came to visit him when he was alone. There was genuine sympathy but also impatience in the man’s eyes. “I know that you’re hurting, that you’re grieving. But Alec... It’s been two weeks since the funeral.” (Only two weeks? The time passed had felt infinitely longer.) “This needs to stop.”

Alec wanted to yell at the man that he couldn’t just switch off grief. He yearned to tell his father to back off. Their relationship had come a long way. His father was there for his wedding, hugged both him and Magnus, and supported him at the funeral. But tough love was the last thing he needed right now. His current existence was all he was strong enough for right now. He’d been forced to stay strong for too long, he had nothing left to give.

Alec had been comforting himself with one of his favorite video-clips he had saved in his phone. It was from previous Christmas, when he and Magnus had a competition over which one of them had found an uglier Christmas sweater. Alec won.

On the video Magnus was just laughing when without any warning the phone was snatched away from Alec. “I’m not your mother”, his father snapped. “I want to help, not let you wallow like this.”

Alec attempted to reach out with more than an edge of despair. His father took a step away. His phone, the precious item withholding recorded evidence that Magnus existed and his last proper connection to his husband, slipped from his father’s hold. It hit the wall, bounced and smashed against the room’s stone hard floor at just the right angle to cause maximum damage. To break beyond repair. Startled, his father jumped and accidentally stepped on the SIM card, cracking it to pieces.

Magnus’ laughter disappeared.

Alec produced the first sound he’d made since Magnus’ funeral day – he shrieked from sheer anguish. /

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, not THE phone...! (whimpers) Alec DID NOT need that.
> 
> Soooo... Thoughts? Comments? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! This is an EMOTIONAL journey, so every soul joining me for it means the world to me.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	6. Pieces, Shards and Aching Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In past Magnus bonds with most of Alec’s family under unfortunate circumstances. In present they finally find a location for their wedding, just because things take a turn for worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh yes. It’s updating time! Yay?
> 
> THANK YOU, so much, for your comments and support! You can’t even imagine how much they mean to me. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay. Are you ready? Let’s try to be brave and go. (gulps)
> 
> TO AVOID CONFUSION: This story happens on three time-levels. Every chapter opens with past and closes with future.
> 
> / _past_ /  
> present  
> / future /

/ _A month and a half passed by from Alec and Magnus’ first time and their relationship continued to grow stronger. Like any couple they loved, fought, made up, got to know each other better and started to get used to having each other around. They also spent quite a bit of time with Alec’s siblings and Magnus was touched by how they accepted him as ‘someone who finally brought a smile to their brother’s face’. (Jace’s eventual little shovel talk was more adorable than threatening.) Before long the police officer basically lived in the fashion designer’s loft._

_One of the many adjectives Magnus had discovered to define Alec was punctual. Especially when they’d planned to have quality time together. So when his beloved was an hour late for a home cooked dinner they’d looked forward to dread began to swell in his stomach._

_Eventually Magnus’ phone announced an oncoming call from Alec. His tone was far more clipped than he would’ve liked as he picked up. “Hey. Will you be home soon? The...” The sound of a harsh, almost sob like breath cut him short._

_The barely recognizable voice that soon spoke wasn’t Alec’s but Jace’s. “_ Shit, Magnus, I’m sorry. But Alec, he... he got shot by a suspect. And... It looked really bad. You should come to the hospital. _”_

_Magnus dropped the drink glass he’d been holding and it practically exploded upon hitting the floor._

_The journey to the hospital was nothing but haze. Magnus kept moving because he would’ve fallen apart if he let himself stop. Only to freeze at the waiting room’s doorway._

_Izzy, Jace and Max were all there. (Jace still in his blood-stained uniform. The sight made Magnus’ stomach turn as he wondered if the blond held his brother after...) He was happy to see them, despite the circumstances. What made him want to bolt was the presence of Alec’s parents. Robert half-glared at him, Maryse’s facial expression was unreadable. (Mostly she appeared lost, scared and heartbroken.) Magnus swallowed and lifted his chin. Tried very hard to not seem and sound like he was about to cry. “I, ah... know you don’t approve of me. Or my relationship with Alec. But... He needs us right now. And... I know that he’d want me here. As well as I know that he wouldn’t want us arguing. So... Let’s tolerate each other as we wait.”_

_Robert opened his mouth. To close it before folding his arms and glaring out through the room’s window. Maryse nodded, the whatever was in her eyes melting to something softer. Magnus took that as a permission to stay._

_Maryse admitted, grudgingly, that she’d spent most of her life in ignorance. She’d overlooked far too many things she wasn’t comfortable with seeing. But that horrible day the possibility that she’d lose her son shattered all fallacies. The agony forced her to see clearly for the first time in her life._

_When a doctor came to announce that Alec lost a lot of blood and was still in a critical condition but made it through the surgery, she saw Magnus’ whole being sag with relief. She saw how the man and three of her four kids embraced, how much they cared about each other. Because they knew what she was beginning to accept._

_This man loved Alec, purely and honestly._

_Hours later the two of them walked towards Alec’s room at the ICU and entered it together. Faced with just how frail the young man they both loved was, Magnus took her hand. She squeezed back as a response, allowing them to share the day’s immense emotional burden. Shortly after she saw the way Magnus took Alec’s hand into both of his and held on, with utter love and devotion. And the following day, through a window separating the room from the hallway, she watched how Alec finally woke up. Barely but still, without a doubt responding to Magnus’ voice. She stood witness to the way her son’s eyes lit up like two stars, how both men lit up. The kiss that followed a few whispered words was so intimate that she looked away. To find Robert scowling beside her._

_Robert didn’t even try to see or understand. He, who she suspected had been cheating on her for a long time already, was disgusted by genuine love. “I don’t understand...”_

_Maryse didn’t want to hear the rest. “Of course you don’t.” She turned her gaze, to where Alec and Magnus resting their foreheads together, breathing each other in. Her son’s strength and courage fueled her resolve. She’d tolerated a lot but the way her husband had treated their oldest since Alec came out was the final straw. “Robert, I want a divorce.”_ /

/

A few more weeks, two more grueling chemo sessions and a lot wedding planning passed by. Alec and Magnus worked their hardest to concentrate on life instead of death. Time was precious and they wanted to make the most of it. Even on the kind of a day when they heard only hours ago that treatment had slowed down Magnus’ cancer only marginally and the man wasn’t feeling quite well.

Alec frowned after Magnus coughed while they walked up a flight of stairs. “Are you sure that you’re okay? We can always reschedule this.” He had every right to be worried, all things considered.

Magnus huffed and kissed his cheek. “Alexander, I’m perfectly fine. Just tired.” The man had to be absolutely exhausted to admit that much. Still his eyes shone. “If this is _the place,_ I want to see it immediately.”

Maureen, a friend of Clary and Simon, decided that she didn’t want to be a musician anymore. Eager to support her decision, her parents put her in main charge over their latest business project. An old museum had been closed and would be transformed into a winter garden. Clary called them the second she saw the place.

The park surrounding the building was already stunning, even in miserable autumn weather. The soon to be winter garden was even more spectacular, resembled to an old church. There was something magical to it. That impression grew stronger as they entered through luxurious double doors made of dark wood. Inside the scent of flowers cocooned them. Alec couldn’t recognize the plants but they were beautiful and exotic. Alec could imagine how impressed their guests would be upon being greeted by the sight and sensed the excitement radiating from Magnus.

Maureen met them there and grinned at their palpable enthusiasm. “You like this part of the garden? Just wait until you see the old museum’s main hall.” They headed there. “My parents were already considering renting this as a party venue on occasion. When they heard about you...”

Alec’s mind drowned out the rest. Two white doors that were decorated with golden patterns were opened, to reveal a massive space that was even more magical than the rest of the building. After all the times Izzy made him watch Disney’s ‘Beauty and the Beast’ when they were kids Alec immediately thought that it was like an exact copy of the legendary dance scene. The walls... The floor... The windows high up above... The chandeliers...

Magnus absolutely lit up in front of his very eyes, all traces of a possible oncoming flu forgotten. “This would be perfect for Winter Wonderland theme, don’t you think? Especially if snow and ice are visible through those windows. Instead of flowers there could be a few miniature Christmas trees. And ice sculptures, five of them.” Magnus pursed his lips. “Perhaps six.” His beloved twirled around, critical yet eager eyes evaluating the space. “Imagine snowflake shaped crystals shining in the light of those chandeliers!”

Maureen’s grin had something fond to it. “So... I take it this is the place?” she half-whispered, not wanting to distract Magnus.

Alec didn’t even notice how his face melted to a besotted smile as he watched his husband-to-be, who continued to mumble plans. “Yeah. This is the place.”

/

Unfortunately the alleged little flu escalated. A couple of days later Magnus had such high fever that the man was barely coherent. The hellish muscle cramps were painful to witness but nowhere near as terrifying as the coughing fits that left the fashion designer wheezing for breath. The whole thing upset Magnus’ stomach as well, leading to sporadic episodes of nausea.

The cancer treatments allowed Magnus to keep his hair but his immune system wasn’t what it once was. Holding his almost unconscious fiancé close on a taxi ride to a hospital, Alec was terrified that this was _it_. That their time together that was unfairly short to begin with was over. Before they even got to have the dream wedding they’d been looking forward to.

Alec more or less silently refused to leave Magnus’ side. The medical staff either felt sorry for him or didn’t want to waste time on arguing with him because they let him stay. A quick test revealed that Magnus’ infection value was through the roof, a tiny device placed on the man’s finger announced that his oxygen saturation was far too low. It didn’t take long before the word pneumonia was voiced.

Dizzyingly quickly a drip with fluids and antibiotics appeared. Medication was also given, a visibly busy nurse explained that they were to help with pain and nausea. Both of which had brought a sheen of sweat to the trembling man’s forehead. An oxygen mask was placed to Magnus’ face and despite being more out cold than awake the man attempted to push it aside with a whimper of protest.

Alec swallowed hard to be able to speak through the lump in his throat and stilled his beloved’s feeble hand as gently as he could. “Leave that alone, okay? You need some help to breathe for a while but you’ll be alright.”

Magnus’ barely open eyes were so unfocused that Alec had no way of knowing whether his words were understood or even heard. At least they seemed to be some solace because the fashion designer stopped struggling and took his hand into a clammy one the best as he could. A couple of minutes later the man lost the fight to stay awake and drifted to restless sleep.

Alec anchored himself on the soothing pressure around his hand that didn’t break entirely. He clung to it to keep himself sane through Magnus’ wheezing breathing and fever that refused to climbing. And told himself that they weren’t out of time.

(Yet.)

/

/ Alec knew, on a level of reason, that it was just an item. An inanimate object. But all those precious things his phone had stored inside it... The kind of pictures and videos he’d never get new ones to replace... The sense of loss slammed at him without mercy and took his breath away.

It was like losing what little he’d had left of Magnus.

Alec was too out of it to see the look of remorse and horror taking over his father’s face. Nor did he hear the words. “Alec, I’m...! I’m sorry!”

Alec’s hands were far from steady while he started the frantic process of picking up the phone’s pieces. Down on his knees and his heart in shreds, he attempted to put together what was broken. Only to realize that it was all pointless.

Devastated, he froze, in too much shock to do anything else. Tears filled his eyes but didn’t spill as he stared at the smashed SIM card on his trembling hand. Shattered. Gone.

Alec had no idea that his mom, who came home just when he screamed, barged into the room. She saw her son on the floor, what was left of the phone and Robert’s guilt-ridden face. And she saw red. “Is this your idea of helping Alec?” She barreled on without giving her ex-husband a chance to defend himself. Her eyes were narrowed and her voice was a vicious growl. “Not... another... word! You’ve done enough damage! Get the hell out of my house!”

Alec didn’t hear his father’s final apology before the man reluctantly walked away. Nor did he feel his mom’s comforting arm around him. Her soothing murmuring voice was drowned out by the sound of Magnus’ happy laughter that faded away abruptly, like a switch had been flicked.

Alec couldn’t utter a sound. But his mind... It was screaming.

_Magnus, please...! I can’t... Not without you. Let me...!_

Perhaps his prayers were finally answered, for the first time since this nightmare began. The pain taking over Alec’s chest area was like fire. In a matter of moments everything faded to black and he slumped to his mom’s arms. Limp to a point of appearing lifeless. /

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man...! That was... something. No timeline is easy on them. (pouts)
> 
> Good, lukewarm, back to drawing board? PLEASE, do let me know what you think! Comments ALWAYS brighten my days.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there. 
> 
> Take care!


	7. Holding On, Slipping Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In present Alec does his best to support Magnus when the pneumonia weakens his beloved’s fire to fight. In future it’s Alec’s broken heart that seems to be faltering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back, with another chapter for this heartbreaking story. Yay?
> 
> Thank you so much for your comments, love and support! (HUGS) I REALLY hope that you’ll walk this journey with me until the end, hard as it’ll be.
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s go! Let’s stay strong for Alec, and Magnus, too. (sniffles)

/ _The medical staff was astonished by how quickly Alec recovered from a gunshot wound that should’ve killed him. Alec himself and those who knew him best weren’t. When he had someone like Magnus beside him anything seemed possible. He was high enough from pain medication to say that out loud. Magnus rewarded his cheesiness with a kiss._

_A week and a half after first waking up Alec was ready to go home, provided that there was someone present to help him. Magnus volunteered without a second of hesitation, cleared his schedule for a whole week to come and looked at him with a grin that made him dream of things he wasn’t well enough for. “I’m all yours.”_

_Alec was beyond happy when Magnus supported him emotionally and physically on their way to a loft that felt more like a home than his own tiny apartment. The oncoming week... wasn’t easy. Alec had never been the best possible patient, too stubborn and independent to accept that he needed help. Magnus, on the other hand, received a terrible scare when almost losing him and barely dared to let him out of his sight. They inevitably fought a couple of times but to his relief it looked like his boyfriend understood him. In the end the... experience that could’ve destroyed their relationship strengthened their bond._

For better or for worse, in sickness and in health _, Alec mused fondly one day, as he played with Magnus’ hair while the man treated his wound._

_His time at the hospital helped Magnus bond with his siblings even further. His time at the loft gave him a chance to bond with Magnus’ family. Catarina welcomed him with open arms, obviously thrilled that her oldest friend had found someone who loved him. After giving him a shovel talk that couldn’t really be taken seriously Ragnor also accepted him warmly and shared great many embarrassing stories. Including a certain incident in Peru. Raphael gave him the cold treatment but also brought him coffee. According to Magnus it meant that Raphael approved him._

_During Alec’s stay with Magnus he was stunned when his mom asked if she could come over for a dinner. Alec was even further surprised when the meal turned out to be a lovely affair, with his mom genuinely enjoying his boyfriend’s company. Upon taking her leave she sobered. “It’s... taken me regrettably long to open my eyes and heart to certain things. But I’d be a fool to not see how happy you two make each other.” To both men’s shock she embraced Magnus. “Thank you, for loving my boy.”_

_That night, watching Magnus sleeping, Alec came to some conclusions. He was recovered enough to not need a nurse or a babysitter anymore. But he didn’t want to go home. Because this – Magnus’ bed, arms and loft... This was home. He wondered how his boyfriend would feel if he suggested making him being there a permanent deal._

_If his heart had already moved in, it seemed only natural that his earthly possession would follow._ /

/

Much to the medical staff’s astonishment, it seemed, Magnus fought his way through the pneumonia. The week Magnus had to spend in a hospital bed... It was long and draining, emotionally and physically.

But at last Alec was allowed to take his fiancé home. Magnus needed his support to make it from a car to their loft. It made the detective’s heart ache because he knew how much his beloved hated having to be looked after.

Magnus was a proud, independent man. Someone who’d been looking after himself since he was a child. This whole thing was pure torture on him, in so many ways.

Still, Magnus did a phenomenal job at acting like everything was alright. The man greeted Chairman warmly. Even smiled radiantly, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. When they kissed there was something achingly tender to it, two men doing their best to savor every single moment.

Alec had no idea what to do, how to help. How to pull the man he loved out of this new emotional shell. In the end, after two days of Magnus spending most of his time in a bed palpably slipping away, he decided to try giving the man something positive to focus on. (He refused to lose Magnus while his future husband was still alive!) “I just talked with Izzy and she asked me what kind of a wedding cake we’re thinking about having. I realized that it’s something we’ve forgotten to choose.” He frowned upon noticing how the other tensed up. “Magnus?”

Magnus swallowed laboriously and for a moment Alec worried that the man might throw up. The other’s eyes avoided his. “I just... The wedding and... everything... It feels like a lot right now.”

Alec barely breathed as what felt like ice water flowed through him. When he found his voice, it didn’t sound like his own. “What... are you saying? That you don’t want to get married?”

Magnus ran a trembling hand through his hair. Moisture shimmered in the man’s eyes. “Of course I want to marry you. I just... I’m so tired.” It was the first time the fashion designer admitted as much out loud. “What about you? You’d have a husband for... what, five minutes and...” Magnus made a dismissive gesture with his hand, which was when the first tear rolled. “Puff! And what a fun marriage it’d be for you. What you saw at the hospital... It’d be like that until...” The man bit his teeth together.

Alec’s eyes flashed from agony and anger. “I don’t care how hard or short it’ll be!” Their gazes finally met and a dizzying amount of emotions danced in the air between them. “No one really knows how long they’ll get to be married when they speak their vows. It’s ‘until death do us part’, whether that happens in five minutes or five decades. Please, don’t take the time we can have from me. Don’t make that decision for me. Let me be with you, until the end.” He grabbed the smaller man’s hand and squeezed as tightly as he could without making it painful. “I get that you’re tired. That it’s hard to focus on good things right now. That’s why we both need the wedding more than ever before.” He kissed Magnus’ head. “Let me give you the happiest day of your life. Give me a chance to call you my husband.” _No matter how briefly._

Magnus gulped loudly once more, head leaning against his shoulder. It took some time before the fashion designer spoke, so softly that it was barely even a whisper. “It’ll be the last party I’ll attend to before my funeral.”

Alec squeezed his eyes shut against the fresh stab of agony. His hold on Magnus’ hand tightened but the other didn’t shiver, hiss or complain. How Alec managed to produce speech was beyond him. “All the more reason to make it count.”

Magnus’ thumb rubbed a few circles on the back of his hand. Attempted to comfort them both. “I adore white chocolate.” (It took some time before Alec realized that his fiancé talked about the wedding cake.) “And raspberries. White color would also fit the Winter Wonderland theme.”

Unable to respond verbally, Alec let go of Magnus’ hand in favor of wrapping an arm around his beloved. He pulled the other close, inhaled the familiar scent. And wondered how in the world he was ever supposed to let go.

/

After the pneumonia Magnus wasn’t able to continue with cancer treatment. His white cell count was too low and his entire system was too weak. The couple realized that time was even more precious and limited than they’d imagined. It also became apparent that they had two... events to plan instead of one because Magnus wanted to spare him from having to arrange the funeral all by himself. The next three weeks were the definition of bittersweet.

While they finalized choosing decorations and flowers for their wedding, they were also forced to decide what sort of ‘accessories’, as Magnus put it, there’d be at the funeral. The funeral’s program started to take shape at almost identical pace with that of the wedding. Raphael was asked be the official at both. Days before Alec asked Jace to be his best man and Magnus Catarina and Ragnor to be his, the fashion designed revealed that he wanted to be cremated.

“I don’t want to rot in the ground, I want to be free.” (Magnus didn’t look at Alec while saying that quietly. Clearly wishing he could spare him from... _this_.)

It was a tragic schedule clash that led to it. But they had to pick an urn jar on their way to trying on their wedding outfits. Out of Magnus’ sight in a fitting room, Alec wiped his eyes and wondered how such a horribly and wonderfully surreal reality ended up being his life.

Even though he didn’t make a sound Magnus sensed his distress. Alec shuddered from startle and finished wiping his face hurriedly when the curtain shifted, letting his fiancé in. “We’re not supposed to see each other in these outfits...!”

Magnus smiled wryly. “I’d say we’ve already faced all the bad luck we can.” Ignoring that there were probably pins hiding in their clothes, they embraced almost desperately. “I wish things didn’t have to be like this. That we wouldn’t have to plan our wedding like this.” One of Magnus’ hands rested on the back of Alec’s head and caressed his hair. “In five days we’ll celebrate our love. And happiness. Nothing but.” The man kissed his cheek. “I want to give you the happiest day of your life, too.”

Alec wanted to point out that Magnus had given him all the happiest days of his life. Not wanting to break down, he buried his face in the other’s hair and uttered something else. “We have a problem. If you appear in that tux, I’m not sure I can keep myself from jumping you in front of everyone.”

Magnus giggled. (The sound was so full of genuine happiness that it made the barbwire squeezing Alec’s chest loosen.) “And I don’t know what I was thinking, imagining that I could handle you in a midnight blue, silk dress shirt.”

They both had something good and positive to look forward to and cling to.

/

/ When Alec woke up slowly, he was in his own bed, buried entirely under the covers. And Magnus lay beside him, watching him. Alec didn’t know if he couldn’t breathe or if he simply didn’t dare to. Slowly, terrified that the illusion would break, he reached out a hand and touched Magnus’ cheek. Felt the beyond familiar soft skin and coarse facial hair alike. He opened his mouth but fear and something else locked in the words he yearned to say. Tears clouded his eyes.

Was this... _it_?

As though reading his mind, Magnus shook his head. Sadness appeared to his husband’s eyes. “Not yet. I’m sorry, Alexander. But not yet.”

Alec closed his eyes, his hand not moving from the other’s face. He didn’t want to let go. Not ever again. “I love you”, he choked out. His voice was so hoarse that it sounded like he hadn’t spoken in years. “I love you so much. I can’t...!” He trailed off.

“Yes, you can.” Magnus’ lips were oddly cold when they brushed against his forehead. “Alexander, you have to let me go. Trust that when the time comes, I’ll be waiting for you. Until then you’ll carry me inside you, I’ll go wherever you go.”

Alec wanted to keep protesting. But before he could do a thing Magnus faded from his arms, gone once more. Everything faded away.

Alec blinked his eyes open to the painfully bright lights of a hospital. The first face he saw belonged to his mom, who sobbed from relief and wiped her eyes. The previous time he woke up like this, with Magnus beside him, he was relieved. Now... Now Alec just felt empty.

Later a young-looking doctor who studied everything she was saying from a Tablet delivered a report. “There seems to be a murmur in your heart that hasn’t been detected before. Time and further tests will tell if it’s a permanent thing.” She pursed her lips, not looking towards him. (It might’ve been insulting if he actually cared.) “How strange. It’s like your heart... just broke.”

Alec didn’t think he’d ever heard a more befitting diagnosis.

(Alec didn’t know that his mom and Jace continued to keep him company while he slept. The blond who hadn’t cried in a very long time wiped his eyes. “Mom, I... I haven’t been this scared since he got shot.” He looked at her helplessly. “He’s slipping away, I can feel it. And this time he isn’t even fighting it.”)

Alec was so out of it and probably medicated that he didn’t know how long passed. His dreams no longer brought Magnus to him and it made enduring the whole ordeal even harder. Eventually he came out of his haze to find Izzy sitting beside his bed. It was easy to see that she’d been crying. “I, ah... screamed at dad, when he tried to come and visit you. Told him that before he’s made up for what he did he isn’t a part of this family. Mom, Jace and Max all agree.”

Alec nodded, aware that he should’ve cared more than he did.

Seeing his lack of spark and life, Izzy appeared dejected. Yet went on. “I also stopped by at the loft and got you this.” Very gently she placed Magnus’ phone to his hands. “It’s not the same thing and doesn’t replace what you lost. But... Maybe the pictures and videos in it are something, at least.” Before he could think of how to respond she pulled out another item. A box. “Magnus... He hoped that this would help you, and you definitely need it right now.”

Alec nodded. Losing focus on his sister, he tightened his hold on the phone and clutched it against his chest, against his heart that was apparently faulty and broken. Evening had darkened to a night before he was able to do anything else. His gaze drifted to the box he hadn’t managed to bring himself to open before.

It was Magnus’ last gift to him. One last act of love and comfort. Alec inhaled a deep, shuddering breath. Then grabbed the lid tenderly and opened it. /

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Alec... (sniffles) Maybe he’ll finally receive some little comfort, at least...? What do you think is in that box?
> 
> Thoughts? Feelings to share? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments mean more to me than you’ll ever know.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	8. Vows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In present Alec and Magnus celebrate their wedding. In future Alec receives some much-needed comfort from Magnus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you guys ready? Because here comes another chapter.
> 
> Thank you SO MUCH for all your comments, love and support! (HUGS) It particularly warms my heart how you’ve formed a protective alliance for Alec. He’ll need all your support!
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s go! I’d say ‘enjoy the ride’, but... Well. You know.

/ _Alec envisioned that he’d make the moment when he’d ask to move in with Magnus special. A candlelight dinner... Or a romantic date... In the end, however, his request just... bubbled out while they were getting dressed one morning._

_“Is that my shirt?” Magnus definitely didn’t sound or seem like he minded. “It looks stupendous on you.”_

_“All my own shirts are in laundry.” And then Alec couldn’t hold it in any longer. “I was thinking... I wouldn’t have to borrow your clothes if my own moved here. With... me.”_ Smooth, Lightwood _, he congratulated himself sarcastically. Some panic appeared to Magnus’ eyes and he hurried on. “I know, bad idea. And too soon. You’ve told me... what it was like with Camille, so I get that you’re not ready. It was just a...” He didn’t get the chance to finish._

_Something changed in Magnus’ gaze. And then, without a warning, the man was kissing him with all his might. They were both panting when they broke apart. Magnus’ hands were pressed against his cheeks. “It’s a lovely idea.” They stared at each other and something shifted palpably in the air between them. “You’re not Camille. And I have to stop letting her taint the most beautiful thing in my life.” Magnus kissed his cheek. “I love the idea of waking up beside you every morning and having you come home to me every day.”_

_Alec’s smile was so wide that it hurt. He didn’t care. “And, well... If I suck to live with, you can always kick me out.”_

_Magnus scoffed in amusement. “You basically live here already so I think I’m well used to your... quirks. Including your kitchen disasters and those adorable little snores.”_

_“I don’t snore!”_

_Alec barely made it to work that day. When he came back Magnus was still away but there was an enormous bouquet of flowers waiting for him, with a note. ‘_ Welcome home _’ Alec really did feel that he was home, with all his heart. Less than a week later the two of them dragged in the rest of his things._ /

/

Finally it was time for their wedding. Alec and Magnus decided to skip the, in their opinion, ridiculous tradition to spend the night before it apart. Especially since as things were, every single day together was precious. They did part ways a few hours before the big event, though, because if they would’ve attempted to get ready together, they would’ve never been ready. Jace and Izzy helped Alec at the blond’s apartment while Catarina and Clary stayed at the loft with Magnus.

Alec inhaled a deep breath, staring at a mirror. His hands were shaking although there should’ve been no reason to feel nervous. “So... Do I look okay?”

He raised a hand to smoothen his recently done hair but Izzy prevented the motion by taking his hand gently. Did she just wipe her eyes before kissing his cheek? Since when had Izzy been a crier? “You look so ready to get married.”

“Heck yeah.” Jace grinned. “And you’re kidding, right? Magnus is going to run to the altar when he sees you.”

Alec smiled, all fears and sorrows forgotten.

The massive hall they elected was even more beautiful than Alec had remembered. The Winter Wonderland theme filled it with a strange air of magic. The reason was never discussed out loud but they opted to have the entire thing in one space to avoid making the happy day too exhausting on Magnus. Two ice sculptures, one the shape of the eternity symbol and the other two hearts with white roses inside them tanged together, marked the makeshift altar. Alec’s heart thumped from nervous excitement as he stood there and greeted Raphael with a nod. Jace took his place behind him, always there to have his back. From the corner of his eye Alec saw Izzy and Max sitting nearby. A small, relieved smile appeared to his lips when he noticed that his father also chose to attend, with an expression of genuine support on his face. They didn’t always see eye to eye but it meant a lot to him that his father managed to be there for the happiest day of his life.

Then soft, romantic music started to play and doors opened to let Magnus in. Alec’s heart beat even faster than before as he turned. The first person walking in was Madzie, who scattered white flower petals that seemed like snowflakes. Behind her came Catarina, who greeted him with a grin. Ragnor entered beside her. The man attempted to appear grumpy but the way one corner of his lips twitched revealed the truth. Alec’s eyes didn’t remain fully dry through what followed.

His mom walked Magnus towards the altar, with nothing but pride and happiness on her face. And Magnus... He looked so happy and beautiful. Alec’s heart swell with love and he would’ve definitely run to his husband-to-be is his knees hadn’t gone weak. If the look in Magnus’ eyes was any indication the fashion designer was every bit as affected by his appearance.

His mom kissed Magnus’ cheek, then his and whispered her congratulations to them both before wiping away tears and taking her seat. Raphael inhaled a deep breath, then started his part. “We’ve gathered here today to celebrate the kind of love I imagined for a long time only exists in fairytales and romantic movies.” The priest smiled. “I once asked Magnus why he takes the risk of getting his heart broken time and time again. He told me that it’s because he knew the right heart to complete his was out there somewhere. I labeled it romantic nonsense until Alec came along and I was forced to admit that Magnus was right. Again.” There was a pause while several people laughed. “From the first time I saw you two together I’ve known that you’re on your way to this very moment. And now it’s my privilege to ask you to speak your vows.”

Alec went first. He swallowed hard and hoped that his voice wouldn’t fail him. “Before I met you... I didn’t believe that a love like this would be possible for me. And I had no idea what it’s like to feel whole.” He squeezed his beloved’s hands. “You’re my home, the other half of me and the love of my life.” Tears clouded his vision but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “Thank you for giving me all the happiest days of my life. Thank you teaching me how to be happy.” His voice cracked badly, there. “Come what may, I’ll love you for the rest of my life. Where you go, so does my heart.”

Magnus appeared every little bit as emotional as he felt. “The moment I first saw you I began to suspect that you’re the one I’ve been waiting for all my life. My heart... I didn’t realize how cold and lonely it’d been until I met you. I’m so lucky to have gotten to know what it’s like to be loved by you.” They both had to wipe their cheeks. “Thank you for showing me what it’s like to be truly alive. Thank you for making my life worth living.” Magnus sniffled once before sealing his vows. “The kind of love I have for you... It doesn’t have bounds. It’ll be my light, wherever I go.”

Alec rested his forehead against Magnus’, too overwhelmed for words.

It was a solid sign of how emotional the event was that even Raphael’s eyes weren’t dry. “By the power vested in me, it’s my honor to pronounce you two husbands. And yes, this is the part where you may kiss. Just remember that you have audience.”

They made the most of that permission.

/

Later Izzy, Jace, Max, Simon, Clary, Catarina, Ragnor and Raphael were practically huddled together as they watched the two men get lost into their first dance as husbands. They were both smiling and glowed from joy while whispering to each other. It was impossible to believe that any evils of the world could touch them. Unfortunately the spectators knew better.

“I don’t know how Alec can ever go on without Magnus”, Jace finally sighed what they were all thinking.

Ragnor’s eyes filled with grief for the young man he considered a dear friend. “It’ll be the hardest thing he’ll ever have to do. But he’ll still have us. We’ll make sure that he knows he isn’t alone, even when he feels like he is.”

“Magnus may also have a trick up his sleeve”, Simon revealed.

They grew curious, of course. But Izzy cut questions short by lifting a glass. “Let’s not think about all the bleak stuff tonight. To love!”

They were all more than happy to drink to that.

/

/ From the box Alec found a Tablet, with a note written in Magnus’ handwriting taped on top of it. ‘ _To my Alexander._ ’ He swallowed and blinked back tears before managing to gather enough courage to open it. There item’s content consisted of one massive file that seemed to withhold images and video clips. Alec’s whole attention locked on a particular clip, stored away from all others. He hesitated for a while before pressing it. (By then he was too out of it to notice that Izzy had left the room.)

Nothing would’ve prepared him for the moment when Magnus’ face appeared on the screen. The clip had likely been filmed less than a month before the fashion designer’s death and it was too easy to see how frail the man was. But the love and devotion in those eyes looking back at him once more... No amount of illness diminished it. “ _You know how bad I am with technology, so Simon and Isabelle are helping me record this while Jace dragged you to a jog._ ” The man inhaled deeply, his smile faltering. “ _If you’re watching this now... It means that you’re much stronger than I would’ve been if our roles were reversed. But I’m glad that you are, so I can do this one last thing in an attempt to comfort you._ ” Magnus leaned closer and Alec did the same subconsciously. “ _I know that you’d want to get to where I am. But try not to hurry, love. Because... There’s so much I want you to experience before your time comes. Since we didn’t get the chance to go there on our honeymoon, I want you to have a lazy, sunny vacation in Aruba. But remember sunscreen, we know now how easily you burn. And I want you to go to opera at least five more times before you declare that all of it bores you to tears. If you hate all five performances you can tell me ‘I told you so’. I’ll hear it, wherever I am._ ” Magnus had to pause and by then Alec could barely see the screen. “ _Get Chairman that cat companion we thought about, he gets so lonely when you’re at work. And for crying out loud, finally try chocolate pistachio ice cream, it’s going to change your life. Then, lastly..._ ” A tear slid down Magnus’ cheek. The man didn’t seem to notice. “ _Adopt those two boys we dreamed of having. I’m convinced that you were born to love me because you did it so perfectly. But you were also born to be a dad and... I don’t want those boys to go without your love._ ” Magnus sniffled, close to crying openly. (Alec didn’t even try to stop his own tears.) “ _There are many things that I didn’t have enough time to do. There’s no way around it. But your time... It didn’t run out with mine. You’re still so very young, Alexander. I want you to live, for as long as your heart can bear it. So when we meet again you won’t be longing for the things you could’ve experienced. If a new... person comes your way, go for it. Know that you have my blessing. If I’m your first and last lover, nonetheless surround yourself with as much love as you can. Because you have more love to give than anyone I ever met. Let that love keep making the world a better place. And know that I’m right there with you, every step of the way, even if you can’t see me._ ” Magnus pressed two fingers against his own lips, then on the Tablet. (It was ridiculous but Alec could’ve sworn that he felt the kiss.) “ _I love you, Alexander, so much. I wish that I would’ve had longer with you but then, even a hundred years wouldn’t have been enough. I’m so lucky that I had you in my life. And when your time comes, no matter how long it takes, I’ll be waiting for you. Until then, live for the both of us. You keep saying that I gave you the happiest days of your life but there’s still happiness waiting for you. Trust me._ ” Magnus was about to switch off the recording before remembering something. “ _And if you need further proof that I’m still right beside you... Remember that sappy book that made me cry so hard you made fun of me until the movie based on it made you cry? ‘_ P.S. I love you _’? It kind of inspired this. Check the envelopes in the box whenever you need them._ ” All too soon the screen went dark.

For several minutes Alec was crying so hard that he couldn’t do anything else, he barely even managed to breathe. When he was finally able to function, he noticed a pile of envelopes the Tablet hid from sight. With some dread, wondering how much more emotional he could possibly get, he inspected them carefully without opening them.

‘ _for when you feel lonely, for when you become a daddy, for when it’s hard to smile..._ ’ And countless of more, each introduction followed by ‘ _I love you_ ’. After some contemplation Alec took the one saying ‘ _for when your heart hurts so badly that you can’t stand it_ ’ and opened it tentatively.

He should’ve known to expect traditional photographs, Magnus was adorably old-fashioned in many ways. In the particular one he inspected Magnus was hugging a teddy bear. Another note was attached to it. ‘ _Can you feel me embracing you?_ ’

Alec sniffled. Without noticing it he spoke for the first time in a while, his voice hoarse and barely audible. “Yeah, I can.”

He didn’t look, but he felt Magnus next to him.

A week later a reluctant and worried looking doctor discharged him to the care of his mom, Izzy and Jace. Who swore that they’d look after him, ensure that he took his new medication, help him seek therapy and drag him back if necessary. (The doctor cautioned that his heart was likely damaged beyond repair, time and future tests would tell how badly. It’d definitely have an impact on his professional life. Alec was in no condition to care.) His mom, who drove them towards her house, was visibly surprised and moved when Alec spoke for a second time. He asked her to take him to an animal shelter.

There it didn’t take long before he was introduced to a long furred, gray tomcat huddled to the back of his cage. Apparently the feline had been there for almost a year because no one wanted such a grumpy and hostile looking creature. The cat huffed and meowed loudly but didn’t hiss or scratch when Alec picked him up. “Hey, Church.” He had no idea where the name came from. Or perhaps he did.

He could’ve sworn that beside him Magnus was grinning triumphantly.

That evening Alec fell asleep to the eighth repeat of Magnus’ Tablet recording, with two cats keeping him company. (Although Church had his behind turned towards him and Chairman.) He had Chairman and Magnus’ box huddled close. In his dreams it was their first dance as a wedded pair all over again and in his sleep he smiled through the tears rolling down his cheeks.

Alec’s heart was broken beyond repair but apparently he had things to do before it’d get to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (sniffles) At least now there’s some hope for Alec. Magnus knew what he needed – concrete orders what to do. And his spirit will take all those steps with Alec. Finally Alec feels it, too. Let’s all support Alec – until he gets to go to Magnus.
> 
> Soooo... Thoughts? Feels to share? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments mean THE WORLD to me, especially with a story that’s this emotional.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	9. A Journey of Eternal Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus have their honeymoon. In future Alec continues to struggle with going on without Magnus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, folks! Getting quite close to the end of this EMOTIONAL story.
> 
> THANK YOU, so, so much, for your comments, love and support! They mean more to me than I can say. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, then. Are you ready? Let’s go, and let’s try to stay brave and strong for Alec. (I don’t think I’ve ever put him through as much pain as I do in this story...!)

/ _Getting used to living together... Not all of it was easy. Alec and Magnus both had some quirks that annoyed the other. And there were days when they seemed to keep pushing each other’s buttons in all the wrong ways. From early on they set certain rules._

_They never went to bed mad at each other. If one of them needed to step outside to avoid taking an argument too far they came back as soon as they were calm enough. And no matter how busy they were, they’d always make as much time for each other as possible._

_Relationships take effort and they were both all for effort._

_After a few months it felt pleasantly like they’d lived together for ages. They developed their own routines. Going to bed and waking up together... Spending lazy days off together... It was quite close to heavenly._

_Was it any wonder that their happiness made them blossom? Magnus’ new collection was a big hit and made him something of a celebrity in certain circles. To his own astonishment Alec was promoted to detective when he was only twenty-six, far sooner than it should’ve been possible._

_That evening they celebrated with a candlelight dinner at the loft. “You, Alexander, are exceptional. Why doesn’t that even surprise me?”_

_Alec shrugged, still not quite used to such praises. “If I am... It’s because of you. You’ve brought out the best in me.” He lifted a glass of wine. “To us.”_

_“To us”, Magnus echoed, touching his glass with his own._

_Sipping the wine and watching Magnus’ sparkling eyes, which were so full of joy for him... Alec realized with startling clarity that he wanted to keep such a special, magical person for the rest of his life. It wasn’t the first time he had such thoughts but this time the certainty in his heart was different, fiercer. Kissing Magnus, he decided that it was time to start planning a special proposal._ /

/

Alec loved every single moment of the wedding. But the morning after in their bedroom, in golden silk sheets that’d been purchased just for the special occasion... That was almost as enjoyable. He’d never, ever forget waking up to find Magnus watching him with an adoring smile on his face.

Alec’s smile was definitely disgustingly besotted. He didn’t care. “Good morning, husband.” Oh, how good that word tasted on his tongue!

Magnus’ smile widened. Morning breath didn’t matter as they exchanged a languid, loving kiss. “Good morning, husband.” Forget about saying the word, hearing it was even better.

After getting some much-needed sleep to recuperate from their wedding Alec and Magnus headed to their honeymoon. Their first destination was Paris. (Magnus appeared adorably scandalized when Alec revealed that he’d never been there before.) The city of love charmed Alec quickly. They explored some of the most popular sights and enjoyed walking the streets. Their favorite thing, however, was their luxurious hotel room. Alec didn’t speak French so he had no idea what, exactly, Magnus moaned while they made love. But he adored the sound of it and the pure ecstasy on his husband’s face.

Hours before they headed to the airport Alec took Magnus to what was called a Love Bridge. Far more embarrassed than he would’ve liked to admit, he revealed a beautiful, old lock. He had their married initials engraved on it before their wedding. “This is stupid, but... I kind of wanted us fasten this, to leave a sign of our love.”

Magnus appeared so pleased and touched that he didn’t feel like an idiot anymore. “Not stupid at all, but very sweet.” The man kissed him in a way that made his toes curl. “I’ve known that you’re a romantic since our first date.”

They fastened the lock together. Alec frowned upon seeing how emotional Magnus was getting as they watched it shining in sunlight. “I just... I’m so glad that there’s a solid, eternal sign, now.”

Not daring to try his voice, Alec pulled his husband closer and held on tight.

Their next destination was a stunning tropical island. The place was so beautiful that Alec was tempted to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. The surreally blue water surrounding the island called out to them, especially because they were both great swimmers. On their second day there they managed to find a small, secluded lagoon that had a small beach. That night they made love on the warm, white sand, with the moon and stars providing light. It was like something out of a romantic fantasy.

The following day Magnus smeared cream on Alec’s sunburnt skin. “As much as I love getting my hands on you... No more forgetting sunscreen.”

Alec smirked. “What if I did this on purpose to ensure that I’d get pampered by you?” His momentary wince of discomfort gave away how he really felt.

Magnus arched an unimpressed eyebrow but gave him a kiss of comfort, anyway. “Well. At least our next destination won’t be anywhere near as hazardous to your skin.”

The third place they visited was Lapland, in a country Alec had never heard of before. At first he wasn’t a big fan of the cold and snow but he decided to give it a chance. On their second day Alec was barely able to hold back a laugh at how tightly Magnus held on to him as he drove a snowmobile through an incredibly beautiful landscape. Snow billowed around them. “Scared?” he inquired and slowed down a little.

What he managed to hear from Magnus’ chuckle had a hint of a hysterical edge. “Terrified. But I trust you with my life.”

Having completed the journey, they did something that made Alec’s heart race almost as much as Magnus. Throwing his body into freezing water that was actually a gigantic hole surrounded by ice and snow... It had to be one of the most insane things he’d ever done. But that was alright because he was doing it with Magnus. They exchanged one kiss, then sped out of the water. While they mostly fed each other a delicious dinner later, dressed in bathrobes and their cheeks pink, Alec could certainly see why his beloved wanted to take them there.

Alec’s appreciation for the place grew because Magnus had booked them the kind of a room that had enormous windows, such that covered almost all of one wall and the ceiling. They also had a wide, sturdy bed. When Alec got to see Aurora Borealis he decided that it was the second most beautiful thing he’d ever seen in his life. (Number one lay in his arms.) While Northern Lights sang their mysterious song, the temperature outside continued to drop and flames crackled in their fireplace the two of them gasped and moaned as they came simultaneously.

When they looked at each other, after, the lights from the sky were reflected in Magnus’ eyes. The sight took Alec’s breath away. “Is this real?”

Magnus grinned, appearing very pleased. “Definitely. And all yours.”

Somewhere in the distance a wolf howled while Alec claimed Magnus again.

They were also supposed to see Aruba but some things simply aren’t meant to be. Magnus started experiencing brutal stomach cramps that eventually forced them to return home. The fashion designer worked his hardest to maintain a brave face but it cracked while they lay in their own bed, with the man heavily medicated. “... so sorry, Alexander”, Magnus slurred. “... ruined our honeymoon.”

Alec shook his head firmly. “No, you didn’t. You’re kidding, right? Those were the most magical ten days I’ve ever had in my life.” He combed his fingers through his beloved’s hair and wished they lay on that warm sand again. Hidden away in a lagoon where nothing bad could touch them. “Do you think you can get some sleep now?”

“Hmm”, Magnus commented while snuggling closer to him.

It didn’t take telepathic abilities to notice that Magnus’ mind was still heavy. Alec decided to attempt cheering him up. “For the record, I just had the best sex of my life in three magical locations. My ass and I aren’t complaining.”

The happy giggle that erupted from Magnus was a victory. The man kissed his cheek. “I’ve created a monster.” And he sounded endearingly smug about it.

/

Being back home forced the newlyweds face to face with their bleak reality. Magnus attempted to start with cancer treatment again to buy them some more time but his body couldn’t handle it anymore. It got to a point where the man had to be hospitalized yet again. While medical professionals bustled around Magnus Alec stood in the hallway, tears in his eyes and a fist shoved into his mouth to hold back a scream.

Magnus... didn’t break down. Aside some fleeting moments of weakness the man was terrifyingly good at pretending that he was fine. (Alec hated how often it rather felt like Magnus was consoling and supporting him than the other way round.) The act was so flawless that it nearly had Alec fooled, especially with how emotionally overwhelmed he was. Until one morning he was still home after Magnus had headed to work, where a new collection was almost ready. Stepping out of the shower, Alec noticed that the door of the small cabinet where Magnus kept his beauty products was slightly ajar. He was about to close it when he saw something that made him freeze.

Medicine bottles. Anti-depressants. And strong pain medication.

Needing to confide in someone who knew Magnus as well as he did, he chose Catarina. She sighed heavily and squeezed his hand. “I love Magnus, you know that. But that man... He’s infuriatingly bad at admitting that he needs help. That he’s struggling.” She gave him a sad smile. “I know that it’s frustrating. But don’t push him. Just... Be there for him.”

Alec nodded. Now that was an easy promise. “Of course I will be.” All the way until the bitter end. He couldn’t even imagine anything else.

Catarina hugged him and, surprising himself, he melted to it. “Magnus and I... When we were young and stupid... And very drunk... He once babbled this whole list of what his dream partner is like.” She sniffled. “I hate that Magnus has to go through this. It kills me that he’s running out of time. But I’m so, so glad that he had enough time to find you.”

Alec had no hope of avoiding breaking down a little.

They were still crying when Magnus came home. The man gave them a look of confusion and concern. “What’s... going on here?”

Catarina sniffled a second time. “We were watching ‘The Fox and the Hound’.” That... actually explained it. “This felt like a Disney day.”

Magnus groaned. “Alexander, how many times have I told you not to torture yourself with that movie?” The man shook his head. “I’m getting us ice cream.”

Soon they were all crying together while watching the rest of the film. Their tears were proud and silent. And caused by much more than the movie.

Three months after their wedding Alec was there when his husband said bittersweet goodbyes to the Cancer Circle and it felt like the beginning of the end.

/

/ Five weeks after being discharged from the hospital Alec was... stuck. He wasn’t emotionally or physically ready to return to work, didn’t know if he ever would be. It was unnerving, really, how little the job that once gave him so much joy, a sense of purpose, meant to him. He couldn’t even go home and labeled his stay at his mom’s house ‘pathetic hiding’. He went to therapy and took the anti-depressants prescribed obediently. But he wasn’t sure how beneficial any of that was. That day he told his therapist as much out loud.

“It doesn’t matter how many hours I waste talking with you. It isn’t going fix my broken heart. Or my life. It won’t bring back the future I dreamed of.” He swallowed but it didn’t help with the bitter taste in his mouth. “It won’t bring him back.” He stared at his wedding ring longingly.

He didn’t look up to see his therapist’s face. “From what I’ve heard it sounds like Magnus was a wonderful person. And would want you to live a happy life, even without him.” There was a pause. “You’ve lost your way and the future you would’ve wanted with him. But don’t let your life go to waste. Try, for him. When you’re strong enough and ready for it, try for yourself.”

A couple of days later, much to his family’s horror, Alec booked a short trip to Aruba. Izzy, Jace and even his mom offered to go with him but he insisted that he wanted to do this alone. He didn’t tell them that the whole time it felt like Magnus was making the trip with him. It was easier to breathe in Aruba, far away from the city that was full of painful, much loved memories.

On his last vacation evening he stood on a cliff, breathing hard. It took at least five minutes before he finally opened his eyes, to look at the tiny key he was holding. It was for the lock he and Magnus fastened together. “I actually thought about removing it, for a second. Right after you...” He trailed off. “I couldn’t bear the thought that the lock was there when you’re gone. But...” He shook his head fiercely. “How could I ever want to remove the sign of our eternal love?” He looked towards the sky. “I’ll be there with you one day. I swear. And that lock... It’ll be in Paris long after that.” Everlasting, just like their love. With a swift motion he tossed away the key and watched it disappear the water down below. “I love you, Magnus. Now and forever. Let’s go home.”

Reaching New York, Alec was surprised to find Ragnor waiting for him at the airport. “Jace told me that you’re planning on trying to spend the night at the loft. If you don’t mind, I’d like to keep you company. Perhaps it’d... help.” Of course he wasn’t the only one who missed Magnus terribly. And Alec had a feeling that Ragnor promised Magnus to look out for him... _after_. Both realizations were as painful as they were heartwarming.

They sat in Ragnor’s car outside the familiar apartment building for almost an hour before Alec was finally ready to go inside. When they entered it was almost too much. Especially as Alec found himself dinking in the view of a framed picture of their wedding. Both he and Magnus were smiling while dancing together.

Ragnor’s hand on his shoulder was a small amount of comfort. “He loved you so much. If love alone could’ve kept him fighting... He would’ve lived until at least a hundred.” The older man inhaled a shuddering breath. “No one made him shine like you did.”

Alec wanted to say that he’d never known anything with as much certainty but didn’t have enough breath for it. _We were so lucky to find each other._ He kissed the picture, the physical need to do so growing too strong. Ragnor didn’t comment.

Much later, unable to sleep, Ragnor peered to the bedroom to check up on Alec. The younger man was curled up on Magnus’ side of the bed, sleeping restlessly with the late fashion designer’s phone held tightly to his chest. The volume was too low for Ragnor to hear properly but he caught happy chatter and Magnus’ familiar laughter.

_Damned it, Magnus...!_ Ragnor couldn’t stand seeing more. That night he missed his dear friend more than ever before. He and Alec started the following morning in a silence, with a gallon of coffee and suspiciously red eyes.

They made it through the horribly rough night – and both sensed that Magnus was right there with them at the breakfast table, watched them with fondness, pride and sadness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s so, so hard. But Alec is trying, for Magnus. (sniffles) Don’t worry, sweetie! You WILL get to Magnus eventually. (And it’ll be described in this story.)
> 
> Soooooo... How was that? ANY good, at all? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS make my days brighter.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you there.
> 
> Take care!


	10. Of Fate and Children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus do their best to rejoice over the arrival of Jace and Clary’s baby while Magnus’ health deteriorates. In the future fate, or something else, leads Alec to two very special boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s right, folks. Time for another chapter for what might be one of the saddest stories I’ve ever written. Yay? (chuckles nervously)
> 
> Thank you for the comments and love you’ve given this story! (HUGS) This isn’t an easy journey. But you sticking through with me AND Alec would mean the world to me.
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

/ _Alec and Magnus babysat Catarina’s little Madzie quite often. The girl clearly liked them and they adored her. Spending time with her awakened the kind of desires in Alec he’d imagined for a long time were impossible dreams. While continuing his efforts to figure out the perfect way to propose he fantasized about him and Magnus having a child of their own, eventually._

_One evening Madzie fell asleep in the middle of a Disney marathon, curled up between them. Watching how content Magnus appeared with a little one latched on his clothes, Alec finally voiced his thoughts. “You’d make a great dad.”_

_Magnus looked at him, surprised. “I’ve... never really thought about it. I mean, with the... example I’ve been given.” (Alec knew about that far too well. Magnus’ mother killed herself when he was just a child and his stepfather was abusive. With that background it was no surprise that imagining himself as a parent was a challenge for the fashion designer.)_

_Alec nodded slowly. “Neither of us had exactly the perfect upbringing.” He wondered how to proceed. “But... You’re not totally against the idea?”_

_Magnus looked at Madzie and shook his head, features softening. “When the time is right... With the right person by my side...” The man glanced towards him meaningfully before his gaze dropped back to Madzie. “I’d love to have a little girl of my own.”_

_Alec’s smile was so wide that it hurt. In the best way. “Or a boy”, he suggested. “Or two boys. Two brothers always looking out for each other.” Just like him and Jace._

_A beautiful spark lit up in Magnus’ eyes. “You know, Alexander... That’s a quite lovely mental image.”_ /

/

In the middle of the awful, slow preparation for the inevitable there was also something good and beautiful coming. The little one of Jace and Clary decided to make a grand appearance roughly two weeks before the due to date. Between just him and Magnus Alec joked that he should’ve known Jace’s child would be too impatient to wait, just like their daddy.

By then Magnus was already rather weak and definitely in more pain than the man admitted. But when he heard that his Biscuit was in labor Magnus got ready incredibly quickly. Even styled his hair and added some little bits of makeup.

Alec leaned against their bathroom’s doorway, watching his beloved get ready and storing every second to memory. Sensing him there, Magnus gave him a look through the mirror and grinned. “I know, I know, I’m being vain. But this is a cause for celebration and I want to look at least halfway presentable.”

Alec found it ridiculous that Magnus imagined he could look anything short of stunning. Not even trying to hold himself back he kissed his husband’s cheek, then swallowed and barely managed to get the words out. “So you know... You look beautiful, just the way you are.”

Magnus kissed him on the lips and they let it stretch. Clung to the moment of love and happiness with all they had. Much too aware of how numbered such moments were, now.

An hour later they finally made it to the hospital, where Izzy, Max, Maryse, Luke and Robert were already waiting. Izzy, who was clearly hyper excited about becoming an aunt, nearly tackle hugged them both. Alec was relieved when even his father greeted Magnus with a polite nod. Gone was the animosity of the early days.

It was a long, excruciating wait. During which Magnus excused himself a couple of times to take some more pain medication. Alec wasn’t too proud to admit that he didn’t take the wait well. At one point Izzy joked that he’d walk a hole to the floor.

Then, at last, Jace burst into the room. The man’s eyes and whole being shone like never before. “She’s here! She’s here! I have a daughter!”

The following day Jace and Clary asked just Alec and Magnus to meet the new baby properly. Watching his husband holding the little one was a bittersweet moment for Alec. (What he would’ve given, to have had the opportunity to see the man holding their own adopted baby...!)

Magnus’ soft coo snapped his mind back to present time. “Oh, Biscuit, she looks just like you.” The fashion designer smiled softly. “You’re going to be a little troublemaker like your mommy, aren’t you?”

The baby yawned as a response.

Alec sensed that the other pair was up to something seconds before Jace cleared his throat. “So... We wanted to talk to you about something.” The blond exchanged a look with Clary. “We’ve... kind of chosen a name for the baby. And we wanted to check that you approve.”

Alec couldn’t quite understand why their approval was needed. “Okay. What did you decide on?”

It was Clary who answered, after wiping her eyes. “We, ah... were thinking about Margaret Alexandra.” Her eyes met Magnus’. “Mags for short.” It was very obvious who the child’s first name honored.

Soon there wasn’t a single dry eye in the room as embraces communicated that the name was approved of. Eventually Magnus, who’d somehow managed to not ruin his makeup, attempted to lighten the mood. “Isabelle’s going to yell at you for not using her name.”

Jace grinned. “Maybe, but she’ll live. I’ll have Mags between us when I tell her, though, just in case.”

/

During the last months they got together Alec and Magnus talked more than they ever had during their relationship. Because they didn’t want to leave anything unsaid, especially important things. Some talks were heartwarming. Others, such as the one preceding Magnus signing a DNR order, were borderline excruciating. Magnus saying that he fully expected Alec to move on and find another partner, _after_ , on the kind of a day when the detective was already feeling _fragile_ , led to the younger man storming out. (He couldn’t stand even the thought of someone else touching him the way Magnus did.) When Alec returned half an hour later they both took a deep breath, hugged so tightly that it hurt and agreed that Alec was the only one allowed to decide whether he wanted to _find someone_.

They also embraced every opportunity to bond physically, while they still could. On the worst days, when pain and general discomfort were so great that Magnus could barely stand being touched, they just sat or lay side by side. Their fingers brushing when anything else would’ve been too much. On better days there was a lot of kissing, hugging and cuddling. And sex, of course, because it was the two of them.

One night, when winter was slowly and reluctantly giving way to spring, moans and sighs drifted through the loft while the two men enjoyed each other in dark blue silk sheets. Magnus produced a needy whimper when Alec’s mouth knew exactly what to do to drive him absolutely wild. The detective looked at the love of his life and felt a vicious tug in his heart. “... beautiful ...”, was all he managed to choke out.

Magnus appeared heartbreakingly surprised. “Oh? Still?”

“Always”, Alec breathed against his beloved’s lips. The illness had changed Magnus’ body, in a way that left the man who’d always been in an excellent physical condition insecure. Lost weight and muscle mass, dark circles around eyes and signs of being sick on the man’s pale face... To Alec they didn’t matter. Magnus would never stop being the most beautiful man he’d ever met.

That night he claimed Magnus in a manner that made sure the man wouldn’t doubt his own appeal – and wondered how in the world he was ever supposed to _desire_ anyone the same way.

Once they were both sated and content they stayed up just holding each other for as long as they could. Breathing each other in, basking in one another’s body heat. Savoring every second of the night that felt special.

It was almost like on some level they knew that it was the last time they’d get to make love.

/

/ It took almost nine months before Alec was able to return to work and even then it was mainly for desk duty. His physical and emotional health wouldn’t have allowed active field work. (Between just the two of them Luke admitted that he didn’t dare to let Alec be in possession of a gun just yet. The young detective hated that he couldn’t tell his boss the man was wrong.) Alec had no idea how he survived his first year without Magnus. (He definitely wouldn’t have without the box the man left behind.) Great many times he wondered what was the point in him being still alive. The first anniversary of his beloved’s death... It very nearly shattered Alec and later he remembered almost nothing of it. (His siblings, Catarina, Ragnor and even Raphael kept him company, not daring to leave him alone. And perhaps being there for him was some comfort for Magnus’ friends.)

A couple of days after the second hardest day of Alec’s life something peculiar happened. A baby was found abandoned in front of the station. Tiny, slightly blue and crying pathetic, tiny whimpers. As soon as the little one was laid to Alec’s arms the boy calmed down. He was also the one who took the child to a hospital and couldn’t bring himself to leave the infant.

Jace stopped by at the hospital that night. “We found the mother. She was high out of her mind and babbled that she was about drop him from a bridge, thinking that no one could love him. But then she heard a voice in her head telling her to bring him to the station instead.” The blond clenched his jaw, parental fury for the baby flashing in his eyes. “Based on what we managed to dig out he’s two weeks old at most. Chances are that she kept using through the pregnancy.”

Alec stared at the tiny boy through the night. Unable to shake off the though that it was Magnus whispering to the mother. By the time morning dawned he realized that he couldn’t turn his back on the child. And he no longer wondered why he was still alive.

A few weeks later his mom asked him what the boy’s name was. Alec opened his mouth after a delay. “Ma...” He couldn’t bring himself to say ‘Magnus’. Couldn’t bear the thought of someone who wasn’t the man he loved carrying the exact same name. “Max”, he settled for instead.

Max grinned radiantly. “Did you hear that, Jace? He named a kid after me. He’s my favorite brother now!”

A couple of months after the second _anniversary_ another miraculous event occurred. It was raining heavily and upon leaving work Alec was miserable in a way even the thought of tiny Max couldn’t chase away. His thoughts were about to spiral to dangerously dark territories until he realized that he was about to get pickpocketed. The culprit was a boy who seemed to be of Hispanic heritage and couldn’t be older than seven or eight. Filthy hair and tattered clothes revealed that the child had lived on the streets for a long time.

Upon getting caught the boy blanched, trembling from sheer terror while clearly expecting a punishment. Instead Alec took him to a café across the street and bought him a sandwich, along with the first muffin the boy had ever eaten. On their way there the man could’ve sworn that he caught a whiff of achingly familiar sandal wood scent in the air and peered over his shoulder. (No one was there, of course, but the sense of a presence refused to leave him.) Hours later Alec managed to dig out that youngling’s name was Rafael. Raphael found having an almost-namesake endlessly amusing.

Rafael had no home or family, couldn’t even really remember ever having either. Once again Alec wasn’t able to turn his back. Much later he asked what made the boy try to pickpocket someone clearly working at a police station. Rafael couldn’t really explain it, just that he ‘got a feeling, like someone was telling him to do it’.

Magnus asked Alec to surround himself with love. With the two boys fate, and perhaps Magnus, led to him, his siblings, mom and friends... He did just that. Especially on the kind of days when going on was so hard and his heart hurt so much that all he wanted to do was scream.

Alec’s best comfort, however, the one thing that kept his broken heart beating, was the feeling that Magnus was still watching over him. Still somehow with him. Every night he turned towards Magnus’ side of the bed and said ‘Goodnight, I love you’. Far more often than not his dreams took him back to his husband. And as Max and Rafael grew up, he told them so many stories of Magnus that the boys felt like they were raised by the fashion designer, too. /

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Magnus made sure that Alec found their two boys. (sniffles)
> 
> Soooo... How was that? Thoughts to share? PLEASE, let me hear from you – especially with a story this emotional your support means the world to me.
> 
> Now, the next chapter is going to have IT in it. This story’s WORST part. You know what I’m talking about. So... Let’s brace ourselves for that. (gulps) If it’s any consolation, it won’t be long until we have a Malec reunion.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	11. Goodbye, Goodnight (I Will Love You All My Life)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus’ condition deteriorates and his time runs out. In future Alec’s tests moving on but it doesn’t exactly go well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter you’ve probably been dreading since the beginning. THIS is where IT happens. So... Brace yourselves.
> 
> First, though... Thank you SO MUCH for your comments, love and support! It makes me so happy that you’ve followed through this emotional journey.
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s go! I’d say I hope you’ll enjoy the ride but somehow ‘enjoy’ doesn’t sound like the right word...

/ _Figuring out the best way to propose was ridiculously difficult. Alec didn’t want to make it too flashy, and he definitely didn’t want to make it a public spectacle. In the end he decided that there was no place more special in the world than their loft._

_He made sure that he was home three hours before Magnus. In that time he filled their balcony with red roses and candles, had romantic music ready and ordered a dinner he knew to be his boyfriend’s favorite. (Something cooked by him would’ve definitely ruined the mood.) The final result was nothing short of magical and he grinned at the sight, even as his heart hammered wildly in his chest._

_Of course he knew that Magnus loved him, a lot, but what if...?_

_He was so deep in thought that he didn’t hear a door opening or approaching steps. “Alexander?” Magnus stepped to the balcony slowly and the mesmerized expression on his face filled Alec with pride. (And just like always seeing the man he loved made his heart beat even faster.) “What’s... the special occasion?”_

_Now, Alec had it all planned out. But at the moment all those well practiced, beautiful lines... They disappeared from his mind. As did his original plan to wait until after the meal. Before he’d decided to do so he’s dropped himself to one knee and was offering a ring. (At first he thought about asking his mom for the Lightwood family ring. But when he saw a stunning, black band that had a silver line that shone like diamonds decorating it... He knew that it was the one. Just like he knew with Magnus.) He swallowed and inhaled a deep breath. “Magnus Bane... Before I met you, I imagined that there was no one in this world who could love me, would want to be with me. And... I know that I’ll never fall in love with anyone else. Ever. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So... Will you marry me?”_

_Magnus stared at him like he was the most magical thing in the entire world, eyes shimmering from moisture. The man blinked several times before lifting an elegant finger. “I’m... not going to bolt, or anything. I just... I have to get something.” It took twenty long seconds before the man rushed back. Alec was still on one knee, barely managing to breathe from nervous anticipation. His breath caught altogether when Magnus revealed a ring of his own. (It was made of white gold and had a black line running through it. The perfect match to the one Alec was still holding.) “Alexander Gideon Lightwood...” Magnus’ voice broke for a moment. All of a sudden his soon-to-be-fiancé was kneeling in front of him. “You’ve made me happy for the first time in my life. Of course I’ll marry you. On one condition.” The man nodded towards Alec’s ring. “You’ll marry me, too.”_

_It took an hour before they finally stopped kissing and remembered their celebratory meal._ /

/

Magnus’ condition began to deteriorate rapidly after the birth of little Mags. Alec saw how hard the man he loved fought, every single day, to just _stay_ , for as long as possible. But the amount of time they had at their disposal wasn’t in their hands.

Alec did his best to support Magnus through it all, to make what they knew to be their final weeks as good as possible. He wanted to surround his beloved with peace, love and good memories – wanted to fill those weeks with _living_ even as death hid in the shadows, because that was what Magnus wanted. On better days they took walks and fresh air made them both light up. When Magnus didn’t have the strength to leave the apartment anymore they watched movies, talked, played with Chairman or just lay together if there was too much pain and exhaustion for anything else.

During the daytime of Magnus’ final weeks their loft’s door was something of a revolving one. A lot of people stopped by to spend a few moments with the fashion designer. (No one could bear calling it saying goodbye.) Some of those visits, especially Catarina and Ragnor’s, were harder than others. Night-time was just for the two of them. More often than not Magnus fell asleep in his arms and Alec stayed up for hours, still not comprehending how he could ever let go.

Alec had known that there was an invisible counter ticking their time together away since he came home to see the bad news cat Magnus had adopted. The day their time did run out was sunny and warm. Spring at its most beautiful.

Alec realized, little as he wanted to, what was coming almost as soon as he woke up in the morning and Magnus struggled to do the same beside him. Something was different. For the first time in far too long Magnus wasn’t in pain and this... spark had gone out in the man’s eyes. The fashion designer didn’t have enough energy to leave the bed and forming words was clearly almost too much effort.

Alec contemplated calling Ragnor, Catarina, Raphael and Clary over but decided against it. All four had already said goodbye to Magnus in their own ways. Making them do it again would’ve done none of them any good. He did send everyone a message, though, telling them that he was pretty sure it was almost time. Then he switched his phone to silent, his hands shaking and in too much shock to cry.

And he braced himself for saying goodbye to the love of his life.

Alec stayed in bed with Magnus, his husband pulled to his arms. Even a little bit of distance between them would’ve been too much and he didn’t want to miss a single second of the time they had left together. At around ten in the morning Alec realized that Magnus didn’t keep falling asleep but drifted in and out of consciousness. A couple of hours later he noticed that the man’s breathing pattern had changed.

They both knew that this was _it_.

A few weeks earlier Alec bought a plant to decorate the bedroom’s windowsill. (Because he wanted Magnus to have something beautiful to look at while having to spend so much time in bed.) Alec stared at it, not noticing how badly he was trembling until Magnus’ hold on him tightened.

“Alexander...”

“I can’t do this”, Alec choked out. (When did he start crying?) He shook his head and pulled Magnus closer. “I can’t just... Magnus, I can’t...!”

It was all too easy to feel how Magnus strained himself, pulled every ounce of strength from deep within. “Look at me.” The soft plea was more than enough to make him comply. “You can... stronger than you know. ... keep watch on you, I promise. ... you’ll never be alone.” Magnus was more on the other side than with him already but in those bittersweet, excruciating yet beautiful final moments the man’s entire focus was on him. “... had my way, I’d stay with you for a hundred years. ... gave me my best years.” A hand that was still soft but much colder than usual brushed his cheek. A tear, just one, rolled. “... so glad that I got to meet you ... love you so much.”

Alec sniffled. He kissed his husband with all he had, knowing with painful certainty that it’d be their last kiss. “I love you, too.” He needed Magnus to hear that, one last time, couldn’t bear the thought of his whole world slipping away without those words seeing him off. “And I’m so glad I met you, too.” With the other’s body heat in his arms, he found the will to say the most difficult words he’d ever uttered. (The most selfless words he’ even uttered.) “I... I’d keep you for a hundred years, if I could. But... I know you can’t stay and... It’s okay to rest, now.” It felt like he was giving away a piece of his heart with each syllable. But the relief in Magnus’ eyes made enduring the agony worth it.

They’d said everything necessary. And the brief talk seemed to have drained Magnus of the rest of his strength. The man’s eyes kept slipping closed and Alec’s chest tightened painfully. They stared at each other, memorizing every detail. Until Magnus’ gaze drifted elsewhere. Alec dreaded that those eyes he adored would just glaze over until he registered what was barely a whisper. “... look at it...”

Confused, Alec did and blinked through tears. The plant he bought had been stubborn and refused to show them even a single flower. Now... Now there was finally one red bud. How did he miss that before?

While Alec’s spinning, terrified, chaotic mind was distracted Magnus’ eyes closed for the final time. The last thing he ever saw was Alec, and that was enough to bring a small, serene smile to his lips. His body, which had been put through far too much, finally gave in. In Alec’s safe arms, cocooned by love, he slid away with a soft sigh. His labored, painful breaths stopped. And his heart was given rest.

“Magnus?”

/

/ Alec had two little boys, each with their special needs due to the traumas they’d endured, depending on him. He was too busy to even think about... moving on or... finding someone. So when Max was two and a half years old and Izzy asked him if he’d agree to a blind date with a man from her work, it caught him off guard. Enough so to have him say ‘yes’ before he’d thought it through. After she gave him the mystery date’s number he even found himself calling to arrange a date.

Andrew Underhill was handsome, kind and charming. The perfect partner, who wasn’t taken aback even after Izzy told him that Alec had two small kids. Nor did the man comment on or judge the ring Alec still wore. And they were able to talk without it being awkward, which was a big deal to the detective. It could’ve been the perfect date if things were different. If Alec’s heart was free to be given away.

The further the evening advanced, the more clearly Alec saw that Andrew was starting to hope for things he wouldn’t be able to give. It culminated to the moment when they were waiting for their desserts and Andrew began to lean in for a kiss. That was when Alec caught red roses from the corner of his eye. It hit him like a sledgehammer. (He couldn’t breathe...!) “Andrew, I... I’m sorry, but... I can’t do this.” Then he was rushing away. What else could he do when even the thought of staying made his stomach turn?

Alec had no idea how, exactly, he made it to Izzy’s apartment. Seeing him behind her door, tears all over his face, panting and (as she described to him later) looking like he was about to have a heart attack... Under different circumstances the way her eyes widened would’ve been comical.

Over the course of two hours he told her roughly what happened. As coherently as he could manage. She sighed, wrapped an arm around him and rested her head against his shoulder. “Alec, I’m so sorry. I thought you were ready.”

Alec sighed heavily. “I could’ve said something. I just...” He swallowed. “Even the thought of being with... someone else... It feels wrong. What if I’ll never be ready?”

“Then it’ll be just you and the boys. If there’ll never be another partner so be it.” Izzy pulled him closer. “You’re amazing, and you have so much love to give. But Magnus wouldn’t want you to force yourself into something you don’t want.”

Her words eased Alec’s broken heart. He had Magnus’ blessing to move on and for that he loved his late husband even more. But at the moment he just needed someone to tell him that it was alright to stay put instead of forcing himself to take one step forward after another.

After calming down Alec went home to relieve Catarina of babysitting duties. (She seemed to see exactly what happened in that peculiar way of hers, gave him a look of genuine sympathy and kissed his cheek before leaving.) After checking up on Max and Rafael Alec called Andrew to apologize and explain himself. Fortunately the man understood. (Over time they’d become good friends.)

Lay in bed, Alec looked towards the plant he bought for Magnus to admire. He didn’t quite smile but his eyes softened when he found it in full bloom. “Goodnight, Magnus”, he whispered to the empty side of the bed. “I love you.” And he’d keep doing so until the day he’d die. /

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Alec... (sighs) He just can’t accept another love when his broken heart belongs to Magnus.
> 
> Ugh...! That was a bit emotional. Are you guys okay? Thoughts, feelings to share? PLEASE, DO LET ME HEAR FROM YOU! We’re almost at the end, I really hope that you’ll see this through with me and Alec.
> 
> Also... Brace yourself for a Malec reunion in the next chapter.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you there.


	12. Going Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec’s mind and heart are in shambles in the immediate aftermath of Magnus’ passing. In future Alec’s heart is finally given rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Considering this chapter’s content, I managed to write this shockingly fast. I wonder what that says about me? (chuckles) I can’t believe that this is coming to an end!
> 
> THANK YOU, so, so much, for your comments, love and support! You have no idea how much having you there has meant to me. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, then. Are you ready? Because here we go, one more time.

/ _A few days after their engagement Alec and Magnus invited their nearest and dearest over to celebrate. Ragnor and Simon got a little too drunk and started singing, horribly. Raphael’s scowling only encouraged them. Izzy got drunk as well and hugged them repeatedly, gushing about the beautiful wedding they’d have. Watching her and Magnus start to plan the big event together made Alec love them a little more. (Especially when he wasn’t the one who’d have to tolerate his cranky, hangoverish sister the following day.)_

_Much later that evening Alec’s adoring eyes rested on Magnus’ behind while his fiancé danced to ‘potential wedding party song ten’ with Catarina and Clary. It was upbeat and fun, and the language sounded like French. Honestly, Alec had far more enjoyable things to concentrate on than the melody or lyrics. Such as that leather covered rear and the way Magnus’ eyes sparkled from genuine happiness. Sensing him staring, the man looked towards him, grinned in a besotted manner and winked._

_Eventually Jace smacked him lightly upside the head. The blond rolled his eyes at his glare. “I’ve already had the misfortune of walking in on you two once. So sue me for trying to keep you from getting it on before the rest of us have left.” Jace then wrapped one arm around him, gloriously drunk and very happy for him. “You two will be disgustingly in love and into each other even when you’re old and gray.”_

_Alec really, really loved that mental image._

_A couple of days later Alec was worried for a while when Magnus had no appetite during dinner. Then Magnus started kissing him and those concerns were chased away. His fiancé had always reacted to emotional overload by not eating, whether the cause was negative or positive. Surely that was all that was going on._

_Little did Alec know that it was the first warning shot of the nightmare that’d befall them in a few months..._ /

/

Alec knew, on a level of reason, that the man in his arms was gone. There hadn’t been a heartbeat or a single breath for quite some time. But his mind... It refused to comprehend as much. Because the moment he’d admit to himself what he’d lost he’d fall apart. So he kept calling out Magnus’ name long after he didn’t have any voice left and held on with all his might.

Alec was too out of it to hear the loft’s door open or his name being yelled. Nor was he aware of Jace making a phone call. It took quite some time before a hand on his shoulder and his brother’s voice managed to get his attention. “Alec.” (Why did Jace look so sad, what was going on?) “Let’s... let Magnus rest for a while, alright? Get out of the bed for a moment.” Jace went on at his whimper of distress. “Magnus won’t mind, I promise. We won’t go further than to the kitchen.”

It was incredibly hard to leave the bed. Alec kissed Magnus’ cheek and wondered why it felt cold. (His husband was usually like a human shaped radiator.) “Just sleep a bit longer. I’ll be back soon, okay?”

Magnus didn’t answer him and it hurt, even if he couldn’t quite comprehend the reason behind the lack of response. Moving on autopilot, Alec slid out of the bed and followed Jace to the kitchen, where he was guided to a chair and handed a bottle of water. He drank greedily, only then realizing how thirsty he’d been. His hands trembled so badly that a lot of liquid spilled on his clothes and to the floor.

Most of the bottle’s content was gone by the time Jace pried the item from his grasp. “Slow down for a bit. I know that you’re thirsty but you’ll make yourself sick with that pace.”

As though those words were a cue, Alec felt nausea bubbling in the pit of his stomach. Jace was barely fast enough to provide him with a trashcan before he started vomiting violently. Once he was done Alec was too spaced out to be embarrassed or to really comprehend what was going on.

The sound of a doorbell didn’t really register to him. Nor did the worried glance Jace gave him before heading to let the arrivals in. Then Alec saw the paramedics and felt even colder than before. Why was Jace leading them towards the bedroom? What...?

“... a few hours, at least ...”

Alec started running despite his legs being barely able to carry him. By then there were even more people invading the apartment and he had no idea where they came from. They were working on Magnus... Asking Jace questions... Pulling out a black bag... Declaring Magnus...

Alec shook his head, rage, fear and _pain_ flowing through him. “Hey, no, NO! You can’t...!” All of a sudden Jace was there, holding him back. Whatever his brother saw on his face brought an agonized expression to the other’s. “Let me go! We... We have to stop them! You can’t let them take Magnus away! Please, Jace...!” His voice broke and his line of vision blurred. “I can’t...! We can’t let them take him.”

Jace sniffled and shook his head. “Alec, I... I’m so sorry...” There was more but Alec caught none of it.

Because just then those strangers who had no right to touch the love of his life lifted the man. Put Magnus to that awful, black bag. And started closing the zipper. Alec screamed, from the bottom of his heart that was being torn to shreds.

Alec attempted to charge forward but Jace didn’t allow it. It wasn’t much of a fight, anyway, because his knees buckled. Jace lowered them to the floor slowly and gently, never once letting go of him and effectively blocking his view to where the zipper was closed entirely. “Don’t look. What of Magnus those people are taking away... It’s nothing but an empty shell. I’m so sorry, Alec, but he’s gone”, Jace murmured softly. “So don’t look. Just breathe and don’t look.”

Slowly but inevitably the situation’s full weight began to tumble on Alec. First he started trembling once more. When the sobs overtook him, he wasn’t sure they’d ever stop.

/

/ To his own and several other people’s surprise Alec managed to hang on without Magnus until he was almost forty-nine and little Max was twenty-one. His two sons were a great motivation to stick around a little longer. Magnus’ precious box helped him through the worst days.

After the fiasco with Andrew Alec tried dating a couple of more times over the years, with equally miserable results. Eventually he accepted the fact that Magnus was his one and only. He did continue to honor his husband’s request, though, and kept himself surrounded by love. He devoted himself to Rafael and Max, who continued to surprise him almost every day.

Inspired by Alec’s broken heart and the health issues Max had due to his birth mother’s drug use during pregnancy, Rafael decided to become a doctor. When he was twenty-two, he met a beautiful young woman named Sofia who also studied medicine, and Alec could immediately see that it wasn’t the kind of love that’d fade away with time. He supported Rafael through the tough days, and rejoiced with his son on the young man’s wedding day. His son was twenty-nine when the pair announced that they were expecting.

Max was a sweet but far too often sickly child, who struggled and rebelled during his teenage years. At the age of sixteen his son came out to him as bisexual. Remembering how terribly his own parents’ initial reaction to his sexual orientation hurt, Alec hugged Max tenderly and told the teenager how much he loved him. Since then Max was never ashamed of being exactly who he was. The boy also started wearing makeup and chose a clothing style that was achingly familiar. And at the age of nineteen announced that he wanted to become a fashion designer. Max was so much like Magnus that it hurt sometimes.

Alec wished, so very badly, that Magnus would’ve had the chance to experience it all with him.

It was an often horrific battle but Alec managed to live a good life. He had friends and family, so he wasn’t alone even if he felt lonely without Magnus sometimes (too often). At work he was no longer physically able to handle field work but the way he took care of the duties he could impressed the right people. When he was thirty he became the head of a unit specialized in helping families and abused children. The condition of his heart ensured that his time was always limited. He was more than alright with it and determined to live the best life he could, for Magnus. When he collapsed at work and came close to having a cardiac arrest it became apparent that he’d get to join his husband soon.

A couple of days later he was at home and in bed, because he didn’t have the strength for anything else. His father was with him and they watched as Rafael, Sofia and Max cooked in the kitchen. The silence between them was heavy but not hostile. While they’d never become close, they’d managed to work through his father’s mistakes enough to be at peace with each other.

“They’re remarkable young men”, his father praised. Sounding surprisingly emotional. “You’ve done a wonderful job raising them.”

Alec nodded, touched. “They are.” He sighed, his gaze shifting to his sons. “I hate leaving them behind, but... I’m not worried about them.” Rafael was about to have a family of his own. After his struggles Max had also found his own path and Alec knew, without a doubt, that when the time was right the young man would find his _special someone_. All the things he’d miss out on hurt Alec but he was glad he got to support his sons, who had such rough starts for their lives, this long.

Sensing his troubled thoughts, his father squeezed his shoulder. “Don’t worry. We’ll look after them for you.”

Alec’s eyes were sharper than he’d hoped, almost desperate, when he looked at his father. “The mistakes you made with me... Don’t repeat them with my sons and my grandchild.”

His father was very serious while nodding. With that simple gesture making the most important promise of his life. They hugged for the first time since Magnus’ funeral.

Later that day it was _time_. Alec’s parents, siblings and friends, Catarina, Ragnor and Raphael included, had gathered around him to say goodbye. His sons sat beside Alec while his heart marched stubbornly through its final beats.

Rafael embraced him as tightly as the man dared to. And whispered in his ear. “My baby is going to be a girl”, Rafael revealed. “And we’ll name her Alexandra. After the strongest person and best dad I know.”

A tear slid down Alec’s cheek while he held his son back the best as he could.

Little Max squeezed his hand and sniffled. Even tried to smile bravely through tears. “It’s okay, daddy. We’ll be okay. Go to him, now. We know how much you’ve missed him.”

Surrounded by the love of his family, Alec finally did what a big part of him had been aching to do for a long time. He closed his eyes and drifted to the kind of sleep there was no waking up from. Minutes later his broken heart took its final, stuttering and sluggish beats before stilling. And he could go home.

Alec’s eyes opened to find a path surrounded by a beautiful forest that had an enchanted feel to it. He looked around, confused but not afraid. Somehow he was in his younger body once more.

Then he turned his gaze to see a wooden bridge over a gently running river. The other side of it was covered in such thick fog that seeing anything was impossible. Soon enough he didn’t even care. Because his eyes widened upon seeing the person stood on the bridge with a serene gaze observing the water. Alec was running before he’d ever decided to do so and a few endlessly long moments later he practically threw himself at the other man.

Speechless, Alec embraced Magnus for the longest time and his husband held him back with equal vigor. Soon that wasn’t enough and they kissed with all the hunger the years they spent torn apart left them with. Apparently tears existed... wherever they were because it didn’t take long for the kiss to start tasting salty.

When the kiss eventually ended, they left their foreheads leaning against each other. Alec sniffled, drinking in the view of the love of his life. “You waited”, was all he managed to utter.

“I promised, didn’t I?” Magnus gifted him with one of those smiles he’d missed so much that it hurt. “I waited all my life to meet you and I swore to myself that I’d wait for all of yours to be with you again.” The man kissed his cheek. “I was told that I can cross that bridge as soon as I came here, but... I couldn’t bear going anywhere before you’d be by my side a second time. So I stayed, and watched over you.” They both needed a pause. “Alexander, I’m so proud of the life you lived. Of the wonderful job you did raising those two boys.”

Alec shrugged. Still no more used to praises than when they first met. “You sent them to me, didn’t you?”

Magnus nodded. “I did. Because as soon as I saw them, I knew that no one else could love them better.”

Alec sobbed hard and gave Magnus a kiss that wasn’t as soft as he’d hoped. “I love you”, he choked out. After the decades he’d spent saying that every night to an empty side of a bed getting to speak the words to the actual, solid person... It was overwhelming. He tightened his embrace on his husband. “I... I missed you so much...!” Far more than he could put into words.

“I love you, too.” Magnus sniffled. “And I missed you, too. So much that it was often unbearable.” The man nuzzled his neck with his nose. “But now nothing will ever tear us apart again.”

Alec smiled, tears starting to dry on his cheeks. He liked that thought. A lot.

Magnus nudged at him. “If you’re ready... How about we go to the other side together?”

Alec nodded. He still wasn’t scared because he’d go anywhere happily if it was with his beloved by his side. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

They each had one arm wrapped around the other tenderly as they crossed the bridge, and just before the fog swallowed them sunlight shimmered triumphantly on their wedding rings. /

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They found their way back to each other! (sniffles)
> 
> Soooo... How was that ending? Any good? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS brighten my days, and mean especially much with something THIS emotional.
> 
> Thank you SO MUCH for sticking with me through this super emotional story! (HUGS) Who knows. Maybe I’ll see you again sometime? In any case, thank you for reading!
> 
> Take care!

**Author's Note:**

> FIND ME ON TWITTER: @Sandylee0071


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